Selfish

Selfish, whingy, self-absorbed rant follows. In good news, I’ve lost 7lbs so far and already dropped a jeans size.

Why am I having a harder time dealing with this whole trying for a baby lark the second time round? I found out this week that 2 women in my office (which is an office with only 12 women & 6 blokes in it anyway) are pregnant with their first. I want to be really happy for them and, of course, I have no idea that they haven’t gone through similar pain to get to where they are now, but I also want to stamp my foot, cry & shout, "It’s not fucking fair" very loudly.

I think, when we were trying for Zoe, I had no idea for a long time that it would ever happen. I still had that doctor’s voice in my head from 13 years ago telling me I’d never have children naturally. I believed it for a long time. But now, now I know I can get pregnant. I know my body works and now I’m even more frustrated because I’m not pregnant now. Yes, I know, I’m a selfish cow who should go down on her knees and be thankful every day for her beautiful daughter. (Who, incidentally, is 2 next Tuesday, where the hell did that time go to?).

But I want another child so badly. I know Zoe would make a wonderful big sister. I want to be pregnant again, I actually liked being pregnant, even with the complete exhaustion and spending the morning in the bathroom. I loved watching my belly grow and feeling the kicks inside. Loved it all. I just want that again. (And, as an aside, I sometimes worry that I’m gonna want it again even after a 2nd and we’re not planning on more than 2, we can’t afford more than 2).

I’m trying to think of the downsides. I barely remember the first 3 months, it was all so hard and that should be a downside, but equally, I’d love another chance to not screw it up, to maybe not get PND and to enjoy having a baby that small again, rather than mourning my non-mother life.

I hate long cycles. I want a 28-day normal cycle, not a 42 day cycle with an arsed up luteal phase. I want to have 13 chances a year like everyone else, not 3 chances for their 5/6.

But I also don’t want to be consumed by this. I want to enjoy the life I have now, not wish it away, waiting for the two lines on the pregnancy test.

I just want everything to work OK again.

Until there is a next time…

xx