Play dead

‘finally, it’s alright’ Kristen Hersch – Hips and Makers

First off, thank god I came back when I did. Fifteen days? Fifteen days? Great. I expect to lose my diary around May time then, assuming you manage to keep going for that long.

I am actually at an utter loss. The fighter in me says ‘keep going, keep plugging away, they can’t force you to do anything.’ But the rest of me. That part is tearing me to pieces over this. Which is mildly pathetic in some way. This place means everything to me. And I mean everything. To leave it because I feel forced too would be like leaving a home, being evicted. This place is now too much of a part of me to leave behind forever. But to join that place, over there? Really? To join the country club snobs that look down their noses at those who can’t/won’t pay the money. It’s ok for them with their credit card (or for some people daddy’s credit card) but some of us don’t have one. Some of us live hand to mouth and hope that the hours they’ve worked this week will cover the rent and the necessary bills. Don’t talk to me about dot.com boom and bust, remember? I’m in the thick of it. But strangely I don’t see mydeardiary crying off & claiming lack of adverts – they don’t charge for diaries either. Funny how everyone survives except us. Maybe if the adverts were something I may be vaguely interested in we can talk. No publication, whether internet or paper takes advertising that does not attract it’s target market – that’s just plain common sense. Plus anyway, you have extra adverts – I can see one hiding just off screen as I write, so don’t give me that ‘no-one wants to advertise’ sob story. Funny, advertising was the least of our problems when I was made redundant.

Will I go? I honestly don’t know anymore. I can’t see this diary existing in the weeks and months to come. Where will I go? Who knows? How can I leave a place that has brought me the best friends in the world and my one, true soulmate type person. Were it not for OD and Neo I would not be here, now, typing. Rest assured that if I take the plunge and go against every previous rant by joining I will not go quietly into the night. I will not fawn over the DM and praise him for being wonderful. I will stay as I am now (if not become more rant-filled). I hate selling out & to me OD+ (OD my ass… this place is OD and always will be) is the worst case of selling out possible. But for now I will remain on the sinking ship, clinging to a wooden deckchair and hoping that someone provides a lifeline pretty damn soon.

Until there is a next time…

xx