Left of centre

So it appears it is going to take some time to get back in this habit.

I’ve never been a centre of attention girl. I’ve always been to one side, on the fringes. Never one of the cool kids but happy with my group. And this was fine when I was younger but these days, I struggle with it a lot. I’m always on the edge of everything. If I disappeared tomorrow, I don’t think many people would notice. If I stopped picking my kids up from school, most mums wouldn’t notice. If I stopped using social media, most people wouldn’t notice. I used to be OK with this, I don’t want to be the centre around which everything revolves. I’m an introvert. I need time away from people to decompress, recharge and breathe.

But equally now, I don’t like being on the fringe. I feel like I am ignored and overlooked constantly. No-one ever thinks of me when they’re arranging things, for example. And that hurts. As my time in this town goes on, I feel like I have no-one close, no-one I can talk to. I used to but her rampant jealousy at the path we’ve chosen for our children wears me down, made me stop talking to her about it, and gradually, we’ve drifted apart. I’m tired of trying to manage everyone else’s feelings when no-one seems to give two shits about mine. Apparently, it’s OK for her to make disparaging comments about my parenting choices, about the school that my child goes to, but if I was to say anything about her kids, well, she’d not speak to me again. I’ve seen her do it to others, listened to her bitch and moan about other mums and their kids. I imagine she does it about me to other people, why wouldn’t she? But I can’t leave the friendship alone because then I’d pretty much have no-one in the school yard, no real allies against the cliques and bullies.

Even in my family, I never feel involved. I am the oldest of 6 but my 4 sisters are all a lot younger than me – 12-18 years younger – and I don’t live in the same town as them. So it hurts when I hear them arrange things and don’t think to ask me. I don’t mean small things – dinner, evenings out – it’s not realistic that I could join in with those. But when they arrange a day doing gin testing or a day at the Fringe, there’s never an invitation extended to me. It’s usually arranged in our chat group as well, so I can see it all being arranged. Maybe I should speak up more but I don’t want to force myself into their plans, that’s just not me.

But now, reading that back, I think I just come across as a whiny person who expects everyone to think of them and does nothing to help herself. Maybe that’s true. Maybe I’m just too introverted, set in my ways, set in my thinking. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just hard to watch your mum make a huge song and dance about your sister’s pregnancy (my new nephew arrived this morning and he is just gorgeous) and know that she did none of that for either of your children. Maybe I’m just worried that my girls will be the same.

Until there is a next time…

xx