Lady Madonna

I’m posting this here for posterity and because I never have really discussed my miscarriage beyond a few lines in this diary. I actually wrote this as a post to help support other women who have experienced miscarriage and it was posted on hitched , a site I used for planning our wedding and which I’ve since used through the whole ttc and pregnancy journey. The message board I frequent is (mostly) women who are pregnant, trying to get pregnant or have children. It’s like a huge support network and I spend most days on there while I’m meant to be working.

Anyway, I’ve copied it directly from the site, added bits are in italics.

1. The day you are told that you have miscarried
My miscarriage started at 5 weeks, just brown spotting one evening. When I woke up the next day, I had started to bleed a little but was still trying to remain positive and went to work, hoping it would go away. I lasted an hour in work and the bleeding got heavier so I came home in floods of tears and called NHS direct and my doctors. I spent all day crying. I had a scan the next day which confirmed the miscarriage and by that point we were both just numb.

2. Completing the Miscarriage
My miscarriage was largely over by the time of the scan and it finished over the weekend, so in one respect I was lucky not to bleed for an extended time.

3. The emotional rollercoaster
Well, it was quite an emotional rollercoaster as we’d only found out I was pregnant 10 days beforehand so had gone from elation to tears in a short space of time. Our families are both a long way from where we live and our closest friends had a 6 month old so I wasn’t up to seeing them at all so we relied on each other to get through it. I ended up back at work the following Monday, because I had a promotion interview, but I wish I hadn’t gone back now, it was too soon for me, plus it gave my boss the impression that cos I was back, I must be OK and be over it, which I wasn’t. Aside from my H, the greatest support I got was from Hitched. I also got, of course, lots of support from people here, on Open Diary. I got a lot more support from my internet friends than those I see in real life.

4. Moving on
I struggled to move on for a while because my next cycle was 10 weeks and every week that went past made me think, "I would have been x weeks now" Once my cycle returned, it was easier but now I’m pg again, it’s hard, every day I expect it to happen again and I’m not getting to enjoy that time when only we know we’re pregnant because I’m so worried. This worry has eased as the pregnancy has progressed and the scan helped in one respect but just gave me something else to worry about.

5. The Worst thing about M/c
One of the worst thing was other people, who seemed to think that because I was only 5 weeks that I’d fine almost instantenously, that I hadn’t got attached or anything. I got a lot of strength from my mum who had a miscarriage herself, but for most people it was, "oh, well, there’s always next time." which wasn’t what I needed to hear.

6. The Positive Sides of M/c
It brought me and my H even closer together. It also meant that I’d ovulated and conceived with PCOS and I could do it again, when we were ready.

7. What not to forget
That your OH is going through it too. My H had been a little wary about having kids but once I got pregnant, he was so happy and so it was hard for him too. Give yourself time, despite what others say, you shouldn’t be over this 1, 2 weeks later.

Until there is a next time…

xx