Lady Godiva’s Room

I am at a loss to explain why this is in my head. It’s quite an old song and I haven’t actually heard it in years, but there it is, floating around my head.

[self-pitying, whingey rant] Today is November 1st. That makes it 11 months of trying to conceive (ttc) now and I’ve ovulated a massive ONCE in that time. I’m having a bad day today. I feel like crying all over my desk. I’ve tried everything in the past week to stay positive, even forgetting about the whole thing and getting nicely drunk for the first time in 3 months with friends on Friday night. But the fact is my body is an absolute mess.
I’ve always had issues with my body, usually weight and although that still isn’t perfect, it’s certainly better than it’s been in a while. People I haven’t seen for ages keep telling me I look good. And whilst I may now fit into size 14 jeans nicely, I don’t feel any better in myself. In fact, I am feeling steadily worse. I’m beginning to wonder why I should bother losing the weight if it’s not gonna make one dot of difference to the pcos. I really wanted to be able to do this on my own, ovulate on my own and get pregnant without any medication whatsoever, but I really think it is time to admit defeat on this because it’s just not happening and, to be honest, it’s starting to break my heart.
I feel like a defective woman, only half a woman because I can’t do this one thing, this one thing that I am fucking designed to do and as much as Duncan tries to understand, I know, and he knows, that he can’t quite understand this because he doesn’t have the same perspective I do.
I feel so jealous of all these teenage girls going out and getting themselves knocked up after a one-night stand, and if one more person tells me that it’ll happen in time, or it’ll all work out for the best in the end, I’m gonna smack their smug little faces. I don’t need Kelly, mother of a 6-month old boy telling me to relax and it’ll happen, that’s pretty fucking easy for her to say. I feel like curling up and crying all day. [/self-pitying, whingey rant]

So I’m trying to cling to the positive – we’re signing the contracts to our house next Monday, which means, hopefully, we will be in before Christmas. I now have bathroom suite catalogues and paint charts and ideas for decorating and a million and one things to pack and no money but we’re gonna have our own house and hopefully we’ll be in it by the end of this hideously emotional roller-coaster of a year.

Until there is a next time

xx