Just the one

‘I guess I’d like to be alone’ Suzanne Vega – Luka

Here’s some kind of weird paradox for you. When I lived in London I spent a lot of time alone. And I mean a lot. I guess it’s the way the city is so fragmented. I had friends there, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t some sad lonely individual, but London’s a big place and when it’s at least 60 minutes and 2 train changes away, you tend not to pop round to your friends unannounced too often. So I spent a lot of weekends alone. The few friends I’d had in uni had either been Gary’s friends or had moved away. But I was never bothered. I loved the time to myself. I could wander round in my nightshirt all day if I wanted. I could go out and visit the various London attractions that you only ever usually do as a tourist. I could eat when I wanted to, sleep when I wanted to, watch what I wanted. I loved the solitude and I used to whizz through books and magazines.

And then I came to Newcastle. Suddenly the friends I had were five minutes walk away. If I went round unannounced and they weren’t in (a rarity) there was plenty of other stuff to do. I was worried at first, that the five other people in the house would somehow encroach on my ‘me’ time. But I actually grew to like the noise, the slamming doors, loud hi-fi’s, banging of pots and pans. It became comforting. I still had my room, my escape and I probably did escape there more than I should have done. Maybe I should have made the effort more sometimes, but living alone had made it’s mark on me. I wanted both worlds – the craziness of six girls sharing and the quietness of my mildly leafy London suburb.

When Duncan moved in with me, my main concern was never ‘are we moving way too fast?’ I spent practically every night with him, it seemed ridiculous to be paying rent on two places when we were only at one. It made sense. But I was terrified of losing something of myself – losing my independence almost. If Duncan was around then wouldn’t I have to make an effort all the time? It was still so early in the relationship – would I have to make sure I looked stunning 24 hours a day? And what would happen to those times when I just wanted to curl up in front of the tv, or in bed, with a book? Would I lose all of that? Of course I didn’t. I realised that I am quite lazy and never really make the effort in the way some girls do – I barely wear make-up anymore. I still got time to read, as Duncan is as much of a reader as I am. It all seemed to fit.

Duncan’s on a new shift today. 1pm until 9pm. He left at 12 and is off for a couple of drinks after work with friends. And I am sat here, in our not too big flat, feeling exceptionally tiny and lost. I never realised how used to this living together lark I was. I’m so retchedly bored, which isn’t a good thing, it merely indicates in someway, that I have lost my independence. For the first time in months I am cooking for myself tonight and eating alone. And I’m not sure I’m all too keen on the thought. Does that make me sound like some needy, whiny girlfriend? Maybe, maybe not. I’m not. I mean I’ve kept myself occupied with taking the decorations down and reading my exceptionally interesting book (on the collapse of football in the late 20th century and the rise of the Premiership – for those who may be interested). But I find myself talking to myself. I have no-one to tell the little stories to. No-one cheered with me when we equalised in the match this afternoon. It feels so lonely. And if it feels bad now, how will I feel when he has to do the 3pm until 11pm shift? Damn BT and their stupid shifts.

Until there is a next time…

xx