I’m no angel

‘she tries not to look like she cares’ Sleeper – What do I do now?

First day back was…. dull. I had minimal work to do as Pete was off & therefore not around to direct me, but it meant the day dragged slowly. I managed to get some personal stuff done & tried to look for a job discreetly, but didn’t manage to find anything. I managed to remember that I had to lunch at 12 and leave at 5, which is a start. It took over an hour to get home, which meant that I was tired and not overly happy by the time I got home, but Duncan managed to make it all better with a hug. Maybe today will be better, but I doubt it.

But trying to be all hard & not caring yesterday was tough. I’m not used to it. You could say I’m a bit of a walkover when it comes to people (or a lot of a walkover). I have no resolve basically. I’m still annoyed and angry with Sarah, but when she’s nice & chatty to me, I can’t help but be nice & chatty back. It’s not just a case of office politics either, I’m the same with friends. I don’t have the bottle to argue with people or discuss the problem, but equally I can’t be mad with them. It tends to wash over me like water off a duck’s back and I end up quashing the annoyance inside and being friendly with them again. I can’t say the word ‘no’ basically.

All of which means that I would rather make myself ill with stress, worry and anger than open my mouth and say something. I felt bad again yesterday afternoon, felt dizzy and nauseous again. I would have given anything to be able to leave there and then. I suppose if I was weaker then I would have done. But I’m stubborn and stronger than I thought and I stuck out the rest of the afternoon. Still no word from the other company, but it probably is a bit too early still.

Until there is a next time…

xx