How to save a life

Last Wednesday, I went to see the doctor. He was one of the nicest doctors I’ve had the chance to meet up here. The previous surgery I was at, the male doctors all seemed to have missed the ‘bedside manner’ portion of training and were rude, horrible men. So you can imagine how much I was looking forward to telling a male doctor how I felt. But I need not have feared. First of all, I should have remembered that I saw him previously when Zoe had a terrible cough and he didn’t make me feel a neurotic mother at all. Secondly, he listened to me, amused Zoe as necessary and didn’t just write out a prescription for anti-depressants.

Which is what my health visitor seems to think he should have done. I had to see her that afternoon and she came to see me this morning. That is the downside to this, more contact with her. I’m sure she’s a lovely woman but our ideas are completely polar (I’m the hippy mum with a baby in cloth nappies, breastfeeding at 7.5 months and didn’t wean at 17 weeks). She was somewhat shocked that I hadn’t been given anything and that I was still working. Work is one thing that’s actually helping right now, a chance to be me again, for a short while at least. Anyway, my health visitor came, referred me to the perinatal mental health team who are coming out to see me in a couple of weeks. My doctor classified me as moderate/severely depressed last week but was lovely enough to say this afternoon that I looked much better. (Ironic really as an hour before the appointment I’d been sobbing because Zoe wouldn’t stop screaming and I didn’t know what the hell was wrong)

There are good days, when I feel like a complete and utter fraud for even going to the docs in the first place, and there are bad days when I consider leaving. However, I haven’t had a suicidal thought for a week, so I think that’s a step up.

Of course, the rest of life continues as if nothing is wrong. We finally reached an agreement with our employers about pay, we’re just waiting to hear if the board accept it – I sincerely hope so as it’s a huge weight off to have it sorted and it means more money sooner. I’m waiting to hear back from my potential tutor to sort an interview for the postnatal leader course with the NCT. I think now, more than ever, this would be good for me to do. Duncan is as wonderful as always and so completely supportive of me that sometimes I don’t think I deserve him. And Zoe is becoming a little girl who knows what she wants, even if she can’t articulate it by doing more than screaming. She has 2 bottom teeth now and has been teething again over the last few days so I don’t think the top ones will be too far behind (hopefully, anyway, she’s a nightmare teether – refusing to eat and sleep). We started Sing and Sign today and it was the first class we’ve done that she didn’t scream all the way through, it was wonderful. She seemed to really enjoy it, except towards the end but she was getting tired (probably something to do with being awake half the night!) and now all I have to do is remember to use the signs so she’ll pick it up.

So, yeah, at the moment, life’s good. I’m hoping it’ll stay that way.

Until there is a next time…

xx