Galvanise

I think I’ve forgotten how to relax. It’s a fairly recent thing, I’m sure, I think it was when I checked into the hospital to have Zoe. When I took her home, I had to leave behind lie-ins, using the toilet in private, and, as well as Zoe, I had to take home eternal guilt of doing ‘the wrong thing’ and a lifetime of worrying. It seems unfair. But I also seem to have forgotten how to relax. I noticed this after booking our Centre Parcs activities for our holiday in June. We’re booking bikes and Duncan wanted to do horse riding and so whilst he’s doing that, me & Zoe are doing messy play and we’ve also booked onto a teddy bear picnic thing for Zoe. I was then supposed to choose something for just me to do but I couldn’t do it. I kind of wanted to book an exercise class (they do some yoga or pilates ones) but it seemed beyond strange to do that on my frigging holiday. I don’t do sports, so they were all out, which pretty much leaves the spa. Now, I could have booked the spa, but what put me off was that the only time slots they do are 3 hours. That felt far, far too long for me. It’s not like it’s three hours of me sitting around reading a book whilst people bring drinks, food, etc. It’s three hours having facials, massages, your fingers done. Which all struck me as a bit, well, dull.

I mean, I’m not a girly girl. I don’t paint my nails, worry about the state of my hair, do anything really that pours more money into the beauty industry beyond buying lovely soap and shampoo bars from Lush. This isn’t a mother thing either, I’ve always been like this. I make an effort with moisturiser & hand cream these days but only cos I’ve noticed my skin seems so much drier these days. But, back to relaxing.

You see, 3 hours of beauty treatments isn’t relaxing to me. And when I thought about it and discussed it with colleagues this morning, I thought, well, maybe I just can’t do it. I mean, I work, I go home & be a mum until 7/7.30 (well, I’m a mum all the time now, but there’s less mum things to do once Zoe’s in bed, tbh). Then I make/eat dinner, do a bit of studying and then read before going to sleep.

I guess the difference is in perception. Many people might see the reading as relaxing but I don’t, I see it as important as having my dinner. It’s part of my day, part of my life, part of me. So whilst it may relax me before sleep, it’s not relaxing in the same sense as others might see it. Am I even close to making sense any more?

We had our first fertility clinic appointment last Wednesday. The registrar we saw said he thought I probably wasn’t ovulating, and I think over the past few months, he’s right. I’ve had no clear temp shift on any of my charts recently and in my mammoth 3-month cycle, my body geared up to ov at least 4 times but never actually did. So, I have to have some bloods done & a scan to confirm this. Duncan has to give a ‘sample’. Well, he has to give two. He thinks it’s unfair that he is now required to, as he so delicately put it, "Wank into a pot" twice just to be sure everything’s OK. I think, given that I have to carry the future child, push it out or be cut open to get it out, (and that I’ve already done this once before), that wanking into a pot is fair enough. I had my first blood drawn this morning. Definitely not ovulating yet. Anyway, once we confirm that anovulation is the problem, he will be able to treat that with, I’m guessing Clomid. I’m hoping that by taking the first steps towards treatment, I’ll invoke some law of sod and will miraculously ovulate and manage to get pg before the beginning of June. But I doubt it.

Tomorrow, I had my notice in. Oh, yes, I cannot frigging wait!

Until there is a next time…

xx