Common people

‘It’s all right to make mistakes, you’re only human, inside everybody’s hiding something’ Dido – Slide

On our way down to London last Friday I decided to stop off in Northampton. It’s been a little over two years since I was in the area and I had one aim in mind: to begin to really get over my gran’s death. I decided to go to the crematorium and put flowers by her plaque. Simple enough task? I psyched myself up for it all week & bought the flowers on Thursday lunchtime, having to endure questions at work as to why I was carrying a bunch of flowers. I figured that by going there, it would help in someway. What I wasn’t expecting was that when I got there I realised I had no clue where the plaque was, so we went to ask at the office. They looked, but said they weren’t sure (as the person was new) so to wait for the supervisor, which we did. She turned up, pressed a few buttons & told me, as if I was some stupid child who should know this, that the ashes had been removed by my grandad, and consequently there was no plaque. I felt stupid, upset & little. We left the office where I promptly burst into tears. Two years of grief, anguish and guilt came out on Duncan’s shoulder. Seeing this from her window, the bitchy supervisor came out with a jar & told me I could leave the flowers in the memorial office if I wanted to, which I did. It helped in some way, but it didn’t feel right. I thought I’d have this one spot that I could go to, to feel near to my gran again, but I don’t. I guess that teaches me that really, she is with me wherever I go. I just needed that point to focus on.

I was reading one of my favourites yesterday, I’m not going to say which, and she made me realise that I tend to tie myself down to the past too much. I relive every moment of hurt, every moment of grief, pain, anguish and guilt and then I can’t understand why they repeat themselves. I let my mind believe that bad things will happen again & I can’t seem to let go and move on. I should, because what I have experienced is nothing compared what some people have been through, and yet they manage to pick up the pieces and try to rebuild. Why can’t I do that?

Until there is a next time…

xx