Black and white

The wonderful MrsB asked me where I saw my life in 5 years time. Interesting question, which I’m gonna answer in a slightly meandering kind of way. It’s that kind of day really.

When I was little, 7, 8 years old, I didn’t picture myself getting married. Why would I? I was watching the messy fallout of my parents’ divorce and dealing with the fact that my father was moving to a country I’d never heard of and wasn’t sure I could say and certainly couldn’t visit. So I didn’t grow up picturing my wedding, planning the details in my head and waiting for that one person to pop the question so I could make it all reality. I think that was best. I think I would have been disappointed with the reality after the dream and my dreams at 8, 9, 10 would undoubtedly have been vastly different to my dreams of a year ago. (total aside, it was our one year anniversary on Saturday. Can you believe it’s been a year? I can’t. I feel like we’ve always been married, always been together – in a good way)

It wasn’t like I was beyond seeing myself settled down, I wasn’t. In fact, at about 10, I pictured myself settled down with a kid by the turn of the century, when I would be three weeks off my 23rd birthday. I wanted to be a mum. But that didn’t happen either (with much soul searching and learning to accept that setting myself a target for things at age 10 is not really how I should judge my life at that stage) But there, in my future, were children and a father for them, someone who’d sweep me off my feet. I never thought we’d be married, but then I equally didn’t consciously think we wouldn’t be. Marriage just didn’t figure in my plans. I was gonna be like my mum – have kids and work. No sitting at home for me. I’d have some fantastic career that would continue so easily after having children. Who I thought would look after the kids, I don’t know, possibly my mum, my plan wasn’t that well developed.

So here I am now, 6 years past that arbitary deadline and really, quite opposite to what I had imagined. I’m happily married to a wonderful man and just over 20 weeks pregnant with our first child and I very much don’t want to go back to work ever if it was at all possible. But it’s not. So, where do I see myself in 5 years time? Married to the same wonderful man with an almost-5-year-old child running round and a second child, hopefully 2 or 3. And not working. You see, I’m all for the mother’s right to return to work and 10 years ago I probably would have said, "Hell, yeah! I’m going back. Why shouldn’t I?" But now I feel, why should I? It’s not been easy to get this far and I don’t imagine the road ahead is much more straightforward, but I feel a need to return to traditional values, to be the stay at home mum who cooks, cleans, sews, etc. I imagine I’d find it far more rewarding and fulfilling than working, creating a subtitle file so that a deaf person can watch Trisha (or whatever tat Channel 5 is passing off as programming in 5 years time). I’m not knocking anyone else’s choice either, because that’s what it is, a choice, and I’m lucky enough to know that in 5 years time, with my debt paid off, I will have that choice. Does that even make sense?

It’s our 20-week scan tomorrow afternoon. I can’t wait. Hopefully we’re gonna find out the sex as well although we may not announce that to the world. Beanie is a wriggler, I can tell you, particularly active in the mornings during the week, I think they’re already trying to escape this company – and who can blame them.

Until there is a next time…

xx