Are you trying to be lonely?

Wow, has it really been so long?

My little girl is 1, can you believe it, a whole year has already passed? We flew out to South Africa on September 1st. 3 flights in 24 hours was not something I was looking forward to, particularly with a wiggly 11.5 month old. But she was a dream for most of it. BA were incompete morons who tried to give us 3 separate seats and then said, "Oh, we’ll try and get you at least 2 together." Gee, thanks, I’d quite like my daughter not to have to sit with 2 complete strangers on her first ever flight. Their checking-in system at Newcastle was laughable as well. I’ll be complaining to them later this week about their ‘fast bag check in.’ Fast, really? 90 freaking minutes to drop 2 bags off is not what I call fast.

Anyway, the flights were fine. Zoe slept for most of the overnight to Joburg and even I managed to get a few hours. The holiday with the mother in law though was… well, bloody awful. I know she’s a nice person and I know she loves Duncan and Zoe and maybe even me in her own special way, but being upset because Zoe didn’t recognise her instantly after 6 months apart is not a good start. Zoe was 5 months old the last time she saw her, she doesn’t even recognise my mum who sees her roughly once a month! His mum shared lots of ‘helpful’ advice and then said ‘well, I did it with Duncan and Lauren and they’re OK’ whenever I tried to say that current recommendations advised against that now. She looked faintly horrified to hear I was still breastfeeding Zoe (and had no intention of stopping the day she turned 1). I took the advice, comments and suggestions and buried my answers so far inside, I had ulcers for most of the time. But the final straw was when she snatched Zoe out of my arms, against my protests, because ‘she’d had enough of her screaming.’ As if I was enjoying having Zoe scream in my ear because I was holding her and not her dad. I but my tongue, slapped a smile on my face and told Duncan afterwards that if she did it again, I’d not be responsible for my comments.

Zoe’s screaming every time Duncan put her down, gave her to me or left the room, was possibly one of the most trying parts of the holiday. She’s become a complete daddy’s girl, more than she ever had been before, and comes willingly to me only if there’s food involved or she can’t see her dad at all (like when I get her up in the morning). It’s disheartening really, it makes me question myself as a mother so much more.

Zoe’s birthday was good. She was overwhelmed by the number of strangers (Duncan’s family) who came to her party in South Africa but fared slightly better at her party at home this weekend, possibly because she had new toys this weekend, whereas presents in South Africa were clothes or money, something not quite tangible to a 1-year-old. We let her have cake for the first time (and were told we’d be evil, nasty parents – yes, those actual words – if we didn’t. I was also called a mean mummy because I didn’t want her fed biscuits and chocolate for 10 days.) and she now loves cake, so she must take after me in some ways!

All in all, the ‘holiday’ was exhausting, stressful and left me with an overwhelming feeling of needing another break. But at least next year we’ll be staying in this country or going short haul at the most. The amount we spent on flights to South Africa for 3 of us could probably have been spent on a month in the Med.

So, how are you?

Until there is a next time…

xx