Infertile AF… a year later

It’s been a year since my last post, where I was basically spiraling from the news that I had scar tissue left behind from the loss of my baby. A baby that had taken me a year of IVF and thousands of dollars to create. I wish I had some positive news a year later, everyone else seems to. Everyone I know that has struggled has come out on the other end. Yet I seem to just be stuck here. In this hell of infertility while people around me are having 2nd 3rd and 4th babies. I can barely wrap my head around it. How this is my life. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for the things I have, but not being able to have children is a pretty damn big one. We tried this whole last year. 2 surgeries. 3 cancelled cycles. All to end up being told I can’t carry a baby. The funny thing is, I told some friends that who have asked for an update. And of course they are sorry and feel bad. But then life must go on right? But I’m stuck. I feel like I can’t move. I feel like I’m in a hole that I can’t get out of. And I feel like telling everyone to just leave me alone forever. I can’t be happy for another pregnant friend or ooo and ahhh at another cute baby. And I don’t have room for the guilt I feel over not being able to give other people what they deserve from me. But I get frustrated Bc I feel like how do you do that. Do you call up everyone you know and tell them? It’s a feeling of being so stuck in a deep pain and there is no solution. It’s like I need some kind of release from this all, and there’s just no such thing. I’m never going to be happy without being a mother. I’ll get by, I’ll live. I’ll keep going because I don’t have a choice, but I’m not going to be really living. The reminders are constant. Every day, all day. The reminder of what I’m missing out on. Of what I can’t have. I’ve been praying so hard and I just feel like God doesn’t care about what I want. Or he’s forgotten. He just doesn’t have time for me. To show me an ounce of hope. I say that and I instantly want to take it back. Bc I do believe that god is always with me, that he cares. And that he has a plan for me. I’m just petrified that that plan doesn’t include a baby. And I’m forced to spend the next however many years trying to be okay with that fact. It feels like the cruelest thing in the world.