Infertile AF

I used to do this as a teen, its wild to think about how small my problems were back then. but this helped, getting it out. I always carry so much around in my head. I overthiink. I over analyze. And I worry about things that never needed to be worried about in the first place. What I have learned, its the things i don’t know to worry about that have truly become problems. Starting a family was something i assumd would come easy. I even said it outload to my husband at one point “i dont see us having troubles conceving” Yet here we are, infertile AF. Fast forward through a year of IVF, we got pregnant on transfer # 2 , made it to 12 weeks. Ooh the thinigs i worried about, hematomas, lovenox injections, incompetent cervix, having to be pregnant with annoying narssacistic friends, how i would fit my baby showeer into that…all bullshit things, and those aren’t even the half of it. Then, anencephaly came into my life. A word I had never heard before, something so foreign to someone who seemingly knew everything about having a baby and the things that could go wrong. And within a literal second, all the other worries were obsolete and irrelevant, because there would be no baby to take home. This was not compatible wiith life. So we terminated at 12 weeks, had the D&E, and I thought this was as bad as it could get. Now my focus was on future anencephaly babies, how do i prevent that, when can i transfer again, how long do i have to stay in this hell, i feel like once im pregnant again that will heal the greif of losing this girl. Just have to get through a quick easy hysteroscopy make sure the uterus is okay then we can get a transfer date. So in that time, I worried about when the transfer would be. what meds she would use, would they work like before? would my beta’s be better this time? would it interfere with the holidays? Would it interfere with a friend’s wedding  a year away, woul i be able to go to disneyworld with my sis, would we be in the tww at christmas?  What would it be like to have a september baby? Because you know i’ve never been a fan of September. September is kind of a bullshit month. Its not the summer, its cetainly not the fall. There are no speacial holidays, no special anything. September always seemed useless. But its looking like this baby would have a due date in Sept so I better start to like it. Then i wake up from the hsyteroscopy with a balloon in my uterus and zero answers to how bad things are. I know about ashermans, I’ve worried about it a little, but it didn’t fully dawn on me that it would become my new problem, my new diagnossis, my new facebook group to join to get the answers to my new million questions. And now, its looking like this is where I’m at. Scar tissue that can be removed but will always grow back, and will make a successful transfer that much more difficult. So again, no baby in Sept. No transfer interfereing with the holisdadys or weddings or Disneyworld. Maybe no baby ever. It all feels like a sick joke. I know this is my life, but i still have a hard titme grasping the WHY of it all. Why its so hard. Why it may be impossible. This morning for the fitst time, I really researched surrogacy. I used to get so mad when people would ask “have you throught about a surrogate” because up until t hat, that wouldn’t have made a difference. My uterus was never the problem. But the loss of my baby, caused this problem. Imagine the cruelty in that. That horrible life changing loss you had has now caused you even more fertility issues. sheesh. And I’m just supposed to take it. Take the punches. Keep standing. keep moving. keep from falling apart. keep living in a world filled with pregnant women and newborn babies. Because it is unacceptable to do anything less than taking it. So the wait continues, only right now its a wait for a call from my doctor for answers to just how bad the scarring was. Just how bad of shape im in now, and what a future might look like. I would be lying if i didn’t say how now i am daydreaming about just stopping everthing. No longer trying. Accepting that a baby won’t be in my life with Anthony. I never thought of it before. It was always “i have to have a baby and we will figure it out” I can’t tell if this is just me at my lowest, or if this is the beginning of a path I never ever thought i would go down. Ugh. Going to rest today, think of my amazing husband. I sure am lucky for him