Witness

Some days I love being a baby Christian. I feel like the fact that I arrived at my faith as an adult, and against my family’s wishes, makes me stronger in it. I haven’t yet reached a place of complacency, and I’m always trying to learn more, to read everything I can get my hands on. I love growing in my faith.

But some days I really, really wish that I had grown up in the church….that I was taught at a young age how to believe in God, that I grew up learning the Bible stories, and especially that I had learned how to talk comfortably about God and Jesus, and how to pray out loud. Those last two things really trip me up.

I’ve been doing a Bible study for the last few weeks with some other members of my church, and it amazes me how freely some of them speak. When we pray together, the ones who lead the prayer just seem to naturally know what to say, and the words flow out of their mouths effortlessly. The very few times I have prayed out loud (alone!! It terrifies me to think of praying out loud in front of anyone) I feel silly. I feel like I’m using words that I’ve heard other people say, or like I’m trying too hard or something.

So, I don’t pray out loud. I’m hoping it will come as I get "older" in my faith.

But, the thing that really frustrates me is how hard it is to talk about faith. I do love talking about it with fellow believers who know more than I do, because it feels like an opportunity to learn from them. But I have real trouble talking to non-believers. It’s frustrating for me, because I would think that as a former non-believer, I would know what to say, and know how to describe my journey in a way that would make sense to someone without faith. But I get tongue-tied.

We’re reading Acts in my Bible study, and a lot of it centers around evangelism, and how we’re called to bear witness, to spread the Word to others. I have a gut negative reaction to the word evangelism, because to me it calls to mind all the people who try to spread the Word in an aggressive, un-Christ-like way. The people who preach, and work to bring in new members to their church only for financial gain. The arrogant people who feel that being Christian makes them superior to others, who tell non-believers they are going to Hell, or who try to convert people by fear. I do not believe that these are the ways that God wants us to be His messengers.

But how can I be any kind of messenger at all when I’m afraid to even talk to my family about my faith? I feel so fired up for the Lord and want to shout it from the rooftops, but when faced with the reality of my family or my Atheist friends, I’m silent. It’s a contradiction for me, because I believe that people need to find their way to God on their own time, without pressure from other people, but I also want the people I love to be able to experience this amazing thing that I’ve found. How can I have it both ways?

One of the women in my Bible study told me that maybe I shouldn’t worry so much at this point in my journey about talking to others. Maybe I need this time in my life to grow stronger in my own faith. But it still feels weird or wrong or something to hide. It’s not like I’m even considering going out into the world and trying to tell people about Christ….I can’t even tell my own family that I’m a believer! My mom knows that we go to church, but I have never talked to her about it, a I think that she sort of thinks we’re just there for the community or something.

I just wish I could lead prayer out loud, and could talk openly and comfortably about Christ. It just feels so strange to hide such an important part of my life.