Saved

 I have heard this word a lot throughout my life in the context of religion. Jesus saved me….that day I was saved….I’m praying for her to be saved.

I have to sheepishly admit that I’m not sure what this word actually means. I have heard a lot of people talk about their faith as if they had a moment…one particular day when they had an epiphany or something. When they were saved. Whenever I hear someone talk about this, I’m left wondering if there is some huge point of Christianity that I’m completely missing.

I never had a light-bulb moment. I never had one day where I realized I wanted to be a Christian. It was a long process for me, years. I really don’t even know how to answer the question of how long I’ve been a Christian. I could go with my baptism date, but that was only 3 1/2 months ago, and I know I’ve been a Christian longer than that.

I feel a lot of the time like I’m pretending or something, like there is this thing that everyone else in the church can see and I can’t. I know God is real and I know I want to follow Jesus. But everything I see or feel is always in the abstract. I feel a "presence" when I sing in church, but I have no idea how to put it into words. Sometimes I feel called or pulled in one direction or another, but again, I have no idea how to explain it. I also sometimes have no idea whether that’s real or not, or whether I’m trying to assign meaning to random coincidences!

It leaves me wondering if I am still waiting to be saved. If there comes a point in the life of every Christian where a light bulb comes on, where things start to make sense. If I keep praying for it and looking for it, will I get one of those moments?

The lack of "turning point" in my life is I guess what throws me off. I know that my life is better with God in it. But it’s been such a gradual change, such subtle differences, that I don’t even usually notice it.

In the Bible when people turn to Jesus it is unambiguous. It is an instant and life-altering event. I want that, I guess. Even though I feel like I already HAVE turned to Jesus, it feels odd to have gone from not believing at all to believing with all my heart and not even have a clue when that happened.

This entry made a lot more sense when I thought of it in my head and before I started typing it out. I guess it’s a little silly to worry about HOW I came to believe in God, when the point is that I DO believe in Him. But the lack of light-bulb moment or turning point makes me feel like I might just not be there yet….that I might still be waiting to be saved.

How do I know?