Sad

This has not been a good day. I had my doctor’s appointment this morning, and this was the appointment where I was supposed to start on the fertility drugs. Except my plans have completely changed since I made the appointment, and we have to wait.

I thought I would be ok, but something about seeing the doctor walk in the room, all friendly and helpful and willing to help me get pregnant, made me profoundly depressed. He was really nice about it, and said he’s very confident that when I’m ready, the Clomid should work for me. So basically here’s everything I want out of life being dangled in front of me, and I have to just look at it and say, "no thanks."

I’ve been going back and forth on the issue for a couple weeks now, and only really decided for sure yesterday. Hubby and I had a long talk and realized that finances, moving, etc. were all things we could work around. If those were the only issues, we would go for it. But the one thing we couldn’t justify is the insurance issue. We’re under hubby’s insurance, so when he gets a new job, there’s a chance we’ll be without insurance for a couple months. And even if his new job covers us right away, they might not cover a pregnancy that’s already in progress (the whole "pre-existing condition" thing).

It’s the right decision. It’s just so hard.

I’ve been so overly emotional lately. Last night I bawled at Grey’s Anatomy (hubby cried too, and I think just about everyone who watched it cried), but then it was like I couldn’t stop crying about everything. We went to bed, and I just started crying, so hubby and I stayed up talking for several hours.

We talked a lot about God. We tried to understand how to reconcile the idea of a personal God who cares about the little details of our lives with the idea that there are people suffering all over the world. Hubby actually made a lot of sense about it. We were mostly talking about Darfur, because it’s a good example right now, and he said that maybe when everything in your life has gone wrong, when the people around you are dying and you’re starving and tortured, maybe that’s when you really get to know God. Because He’s all you have.

I really felt like God was speaking to me through hubby last night, because he said a lot of things that I’ve never heard from him before, and never knew that he thought about. Hubby is very intelligent, but not the most eloquent person, and he can never figure out how to put what he’s trying to say. But last night when I needed him, he said everything I needed to hear.

After I got out of the doctor’s office, I sat in my car and cried. I thought I was ok going in, but it was more than I could handle. As I sat in my car crying, I prayed for God to help me understand everything and strengthen me. On my way home, I passed a farm that I drive by every single day, and there was a sign in their yard that must have just been put there while I was at the doctor, because it wasn’t there when I drove past it earlier in the morning. It said "trust in the lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."

Which happens to be my favorite verse, because it’s the one I need to listen to the most. The cynic in me wants to say that some farmer just wanted to put up a sign, they just happened to do it this morning, and that’s a very commonly used verse. But I really feel like that was God’s answer to me, especially since about 10 minutes earlier I prayed for understanding.

I need to have more faith. God already knows when I will have a baby, and He already knows my baby. I just need to be patient and trust that the baby will show up when it’s his or her time to be on earth. I have no control over that. I’m just loving God right now. But still sad, because part of me still wants to say "screw it, I want a baby now!"