Freaking out!

I’m having one of those days (I have them a lot lately) where I wonder why in the world I ever thought I could handle a baby. I just feel like there’s no way I can possibly prepare for her, or be ready in any way. I’ve read all the books and everything, and know technically what I’m supposed to do to take care of a baby, but it just seems like there’s so much stuff that doesn’t get covered in the books.

I’m really freaking out today about how much of a life change this is going to be. And yes, I already knew this when we decided to have a baby, but deciding it abstractly is different than the reality that my life is going to be permanently, dramatically changed in less than a month! I worry that it will change things between me and hubby, because I love our relationship. I know things will inevitably change, but I really hope we can at least stay the same in how we interact with each other. I know a lot of couples where having a baby made their marriage suck.

And then there’s just the complete lack of freedom. I will never be able to leave the house again without a whole lot of preparation and supplies. I’m so used to just getting in my car and going wherever I want, whenever I want, and I can never do that again. Hubby and I can’t just decide to go on a weekend trip. Every little decision is going to be harder and more complicated.

And of course the thing I worry about most is, what if I’m a terrible mother? I’ve never been very good with babies, and I know everyone says it’s different when it’s your own baby, but what if I don’t have the mother instincts? My sister is one of these people who just naturally is good with babies, and they all love her, and I have no idea why. And it worries me that I don’t have that quality. I don’t even really know how to hold a baby!

I know it’s normal to freak out, and I know that a lot of parenting I’m just going to have to figure out as we go. It’s just terrifying at times!