Former love

I just heard from the only man besides hubby that I have ever loved. It was really weird that I still got butterflies when I saw his name, even though I haven’t thought about him in a long time.

My freshman year of college, I fell in love with this guy so quickly, it startled me. I met him in my first class on my first day, and I was instantly drawn to him. That’s unusual for me. I pretty much never care one way or another about a guy before I get to know him, but for some reason, I saw this guy and knew I wanted to get to know him. He later told me he had the same thought about me on the first day of class.

A month went by, and aside from small talk after class, I really hadn’t gotten to know him, so I decided to make something happen (also unusual for me). I had figured out he lived on the floor above me, so I "accidentally" lost the book we were reading for class, and went to his room to borrow his copy. When I returned it, around 10 pm, we started talking, and ended up talking the whole night. We were basically always with each other from that point until I dropped out and moved away.

The thing was, we were never actually dating. All the signals were there, but it just never happened. After hours (and hours and hours) of analyzing the situation with my friends, I decided I needed to tell him how I felt. The night before spring break, I told him I thought I was "falling for him." I told him not to say anything, because I didn’t want to put him on the spot, and that I would talk to him after break.

Then I went and screwed everything up.

When I was home on break, I hooked up with my high school boyfriend. I think I was wondering if I should have said what I did, and freaking out about it, and just needed a distraction. The second part of my screwing up was that when I got back to school, I told the guy about hooking up with my ex. He had come to my room before even taking his suitcase up to his room, and was really excited to see me, and gave me a huge hug. Then he asked what I did over break, and before I thought about it, I told him. He pulled back and got kind of weird, and went back to his room. Things went back to normal after a couple days, but the subject of my "falling for him" never came back up.

I still don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t been stupid. When I dropped out of school, and was packing up my stuff to leave, he told me that he was in love with me. At that point, I was so messed up over having to drop out that I couldn’t really deal with it, so we didn’t talk much about it. Since we left it that way, it was pretty much impossible for us to stay friends. So we drifted.

Of course, I’m now grateful everything happened the way it did, because I think all my past relationships led to my being able to love and trust hubby. So I don’t exactly regret what happened. But I do regret the fact that we couldn’t stay friends, because he was a genuinely great person.

That was much longer than I thought it was going to be, and it was all just leading up to my actual point, which was that he contacted me. Through myspace. I only set up a myspace account so I could look at the profile my friend made for her dog, but then somehow people I knew found me, and so I kept it open. And he somehow found me, and requested me as a friend.

This is what I hate about myspace. You can request someone as a friend without saying anything at all, so basically he requested me, and I left him a really short "how are you" type of note, and that was two days ago, and he hasn’t responded.

It’s funny, because after I lost touch with him, I pined over this guy on a daily basis. For over a year. I dated other guys in there, but really wanted to be with him. I kind of got to the point where I figured that I might be able to get over him, but I wouldn’t ever get him out of my mind.

And yet, somehow that happened. Somehow I forgot him. Because I haven’t thought about him in months, and the last time I did, it was in the context of telling a story about college. It’s crazy how the mind works. How can you go from obsessing and crying over someone to just not thinking about them anymore? Thinking about him doesn’t even make me sad anymore, except a little bit for the fact that we would have been great friends if we had just kept the relationship stuff out.

Ok, enough about that. This is getting long. In other news, we got the apartment. So yay! We also found out that when we move, hubby’s parents want to help us with a downpayment for a house, so we may actually get to buy a place! So excited about that.