Blessings

I was watching A Baby Story today (I know I should stop looking at everything baby-related, but I can’t help it!) and there was the cutest couple on there. It was a pastor and his wife, and they were having their second baby.

Watching them talk about their faith and how it influences them as parents made me realize how important it is for me to have a concrete sense of my beliefs. I want to have that security of knowing that God is in my life and watching over me, and I want to teach that to my kids.

A big underlying issue with the whole searching for faith thing is how I’m going to raise my kids. That’s part of why it’s so important that hubby and I go through the searching together, because I don’t want us to disagree on whether to take the kids to church, etc.

One thing that I’m sure about is that I want my kids to do some searching of their own when they’re old enough. I never want to tell them "this is what you have to believe." I’ve always thought it was wrong when parents insisted that their children be a certain religion, just as I think it’s wrong that my parents insisted that I not be any religion.

Growing up without God in my life was difficult, honestly. I’ve always been a very spiritual person, but just never had an outlet for it, because it was so firmly drilled into my head that Christians are all brainwashed and cult-like and there wasn’t much worse that I could do with my life than become one. I do not plan to insist that my children be Christian, but I do really hope that they find spiritual meaning in their lives, and I want to encourage that.

I want to find the best way possible to let them feel God’s love and know Him as a real presence in their lives, without completely forcing it on them. I don’t know how to do that because I don’t have a good model for it. My parents meant to teach me tolerance and acceptance, but really were quite intolerant with their views. I hate that I will never be able to have a conversation with my mom about my faith. She doesn’t understand that my morals and values are just like they were before, but now I have God in my life, too. My family believes that in order to be Christian, you have to be a bible-thumping homophobic jerk.

I’m afraid of how this is going to come up later, because I know my mom is going to have a problem with me taking my kids to church. I would like to have my family say a blessing before dinner, because I believe it’s important that my kids take the time to be thankful for what they have. I want them to have a close relationship with God, but I don’t know how to explain to them why Grandma and Grandpa don’t believe in God.

I’m understanding more and more why I didn’t get pregnant right when I started trying. I’m already so much stronger in my faith than I was then, and I know in June (or whenever we start trying again) I’ll be even stronger. I pray that I can have the patience to wait, because I realize how important it is for me to be strong in my faith before bringing a child into the world. And I pray that God will help me to grow in my faith–I’m really trying, even when I question everything.