An answer to prayers (EDIT)

 I love to sing. Music is one of the ways I can feel closest to God, and always has been. Even back before I became a Christian, when I went to the services in college (my friends dragged me) I felt so much peace during the songs, and felt this sort of presence in the room.

So I’ve been wanting to join the praise and worship band at my church since we started going there a few months ago. I feel like I can’t fully worship in the way I want to without music. The thing is, when it comes to music I am really, really shy. I’m not generally a "shy" person in life…I speak my mind, I don’t have trouble making friends, etc. But for whatever reason, when it comes to the things that I actually think I’m good at, I get incredibly self-conscious. Singing is one of those things.

I play piano ok, and guitar very badly, and I have no trouble doing either of those things in front of people. But I love my voice, and feel like it’s one of the gifts I was blessed with, so I don’t like to sing in front of people. I know that’s backwards, and I have no idea how to explain it. And in fact, I have no trouble singing badly in front of people. I occasionally post videos on facebook of me singing with my daughter, in my "singing with a 2-year-old" voice that in no way resembles good singing, and it doesn’t embarrass me at all. But actually trying to sing well, when other people are listening….scary!

Anyway, all that up there to explain why it has taken me months to mention to the leader of the worship team that I would love to join them. I talked to her at church this past Sunday, and she was so excited, because as it turns out they just had one of their people leave this week and were really praying for another member to join them.

It’s an odd feeling to be told you’re answering someone else’s prayers. It’s weird for me, because I like to think that I do everything on my own time, of my own accord, whenever I feel like it. I feel like God is a powerful influence in my life, but I don’t ever think that He controls my thoughts or actions, or anything like that. So how can it be that someone prays for something, and then of my own accord I answer it?

It’s hard for me to even get my head around the question I’m trying to ask. Basically I have trouble all the time with knowing when something is a coincidence and when it’s part of a divine plan. And I also have trouble with the concept that things as tiny and insignificant as a singer in a praise and worship band are even a blip on God’s radar. I mean, isn’t it pretty arrogant to think that God would even care whether I sing, and especially arrogant to think that my singing would actually be the answer to a prayer?

We were talking in my Bible study a couple weeks ago about how we all sometimes brush off signs from God as coincidence. One of the other women said that once she prayed for God to give her a sign in answer to a problem she was having, and less than a minute later she drove past a literal sign by the road that answered her question. And she still felt the need to ponder whether God was trying to tell her something! And I know I would have done the same thing.

I guess the thing that’s hard to get my head around is the fact that the things that I sometimes take as signs often involve the actions of other people. How can it be that God is causing the people around me to do things, you know? And how is it that God causes me to talk to the worship team leader on the very week when she was praying for a new member, when I feel like I totally made up my own mind?

Maybe the best answer is that we do have free will, but God gives us nudges in the right direction. We don’t always go where we’re nudged. It took years before I finally gave in to all the very clear nudges, pushes, and shoves that God was giving me toward becoming a Christian. But it eventually happened. Maybe God nudges other people toward actions that will answer our prayers….they don’t always listen, but eventually someone will head in the right direction and get there. Maybe God gave me the tiny bit of courage that I needed to actually volunteer to sing, at the time that someone else was praying for that.

Or maybe life is way more random than I think, and God doesn’t bother Himself with the trivial little details like that. It’s hard not to have all the answers!

I had a question left via anonymous note, so I can’t just note in response. So here’s the response. 🙂

And just what were you before you became a christian?

I was raised Atheist. When I began college I was still a very adamant Atheist, and only went to church services with my friends because I thought they might be funny/interesting. Hope that answers it!