Laundry and Thoughts on Beer

Here it is again, Monday and laundry day. I usually have a big bag of laundry to take down two narrow flights of stairs so what I generally do is stand at the top of each flight and throw the bag downward. Hey, there is nothing breakable in there and it is only laundry, right? Well, this morning I looked at the stairs and saw that there were two packs of Molsen’s beer tucked into the side so I had to carry the bag down the stairs to avoid knocking the beer bottles all over the place.

In case you are wondering why we keep beer bottles on the stairs, it is a creative use of storage space. This apartment is very small and any time we can store anything downstairs, we do so. And, since the area downstairs is not heated, when we store the beer down there, it stays cold! But that isn’t what I want to talk about. What I found myself thinking about this morning, was the change in my attitude towards alcohol.

My mother was an alcoholic. I remember opening cupboard doors and seeing a glass of beer where she had stashed it for some reason. In addition, she and I had a very odd relationship. She really didn’t like me and, without putting it into words, I picked up on that and did my best to become the Invisible Child. As a result of all this, and because I was naturally timid, I grew up thinking I was good at doing nothing except school work. As many children of alcoholics do, I married one and stayed in a bad and abusive relationship for 19 years mostly because I felt I couldn’t cope alone.

Now, you have to understand that I never put this into words. I think if I had, I would have seen much sooner that I could cope alone and, eventually, after an incident I am not going to discuss here, I sued for divorce. During the marriage there was a lot of stress on my part about the alcohol. I did all the things that an adult child of an alcoholic does but, of course, none of them worked. {As an aside here, I would like to say how much I was helped by going to Adult Child of Alcoholic {ACOA} meetings. It was most amazing to find I was not alone!} So, when I started looking for a stable relationship again {and after doing a LOT of work on myself} one of the things I insisted on was a non-smoker and a none or very light drinker.

Fred had given up smoking about 20 years before and had given up drinking about 20 years and six months before that.  {He is a very well organized man and set dates to do things. } He had been using alcohol to self-medicate in a bad marriage and after he left the marriage, he got professional help with the drinking. Now, to move into the present. Since we have been living together, he has drunk an occasional beer as have I. {Actually, I prefer wine but I gave up alcohol completely as having too many calories for the enjoyment I get from it. It is on my list –with peanut butter–as stuff that is not worth the calories. LOL} Recently he has been drinking a little more and the visiting nurse told me right after he came out of hospital that anything that stimulated his appetite {in moderation, of course} was good. The reason we have these 12 packs {two of them} on the stairs is that his friend Bill brought them over when he Fred-sat while I was going for a massage–I don’t want you to think Fred is an alcoholic.  LOL

So, to the point of this entry! {Yes, there is a point and after traipsing around Robin Hood’s barn, I AM getting there.} If Fred turned into a heavy drinker, I would leave him. He knows that because I have discussed it with him. It was not an ultimatum. I don’t do these. It was just that I commented I had no intention of wasting the rest of my life with a heavy drinker. And, of course, I am pretty sure I won’t have to make that decision. But the bottom line for me is the realization of how far I have come. Of course I could cope if I had {for any reason} to live alone. I wouldn’t like it too much, but I know I could do it. And that is so amazingly different from the first time when I stayed for 19 years mostly because I really thought I couldn’t cope!

Until later…