Embarrassment

How embarassing to have to admit I asked my partner if he was interested in getting married and he said, “I had never thought of it…”

Damn…

All the way home from the very expensive meal we had {which I paid for because it was his birthday} I was composing a letter to Pete in my head.

Dear Pete,

Are you married or involved with anyone yet? If not, I need rescuing…yes, again, dammit…

That is Pete’s forte, rescuing damsels in distress. I shouldn’t make fun of him. He talked me through many a tearful crisis in the last few years and we only stopped corresponding when I moved to Vermont. Actually, we still do correspond but it is very light and frivolous. I do not know what is going on in his life and he doesn’t know what is going on in mine.

I don’t know why I was so hurt by my partner’s answer but it did hurt and I spent the rest of the time trying to put it all out of my head and be my usual cheerful amusing self. As I think about it, if he DID ask me, I would probably have said, “Good heavens, why?” but because he turned ME down, I feel really rejected AND dejected. This is so stupid.

For some reason, I had this idea, this dream that he might ask me on my birthday which was back in May.And back then I might have said yes. But now I am doing with him what I did with my mother, pulling away before I get hurt.

If the apartment below us ever become vacent, I will move into it. Then we can be friends and not share a bed…