A Long Survey*

EDIT: No, honestly, never EVER in my whole life have I shaved my legs. I have NO hair on my legs–and, believe me, I have looked!  Now I am the age I am, I occasionally have to do something about a hair {one } that wants to grow on my chin. Since I am on the subject of hair, the stuff on my head is moving ever-so-slowly to becoming silver. I actually wish it would hurry up. I like white/silver hair on a woman and at this rate, I will probably die before it turns completely! Physically, I am very like my Auntie Babs, my mother’s sister, and she died in her 80’s with very little silver in her dark hair.

1. Are you sexually attracted to the same sex, the opposite sex, or both sexes?

To the opposite sex. I know this for sure because some of the things Beth {masseuse} does would affect me a lot if she was a man! One the same subject, I will not have my hair cut by a male. I am very uncomfortable with this because my scalp is one of my erogonous zones. I have occasionally fantasized about being with a woman but I am pretty sure it would be a waste of time for both of us!

2. To which sex are you more drawn in terms of friendship? Men or women?

I actually have very few close friends. Of the three I have, two are men.

3. What qualities to you generally think of when you think of "masculine"? and "feminine"?

Ok, masculine–protective, supporting. Feminine–childbearing, empathic. This is quite difficult for me. I have been very affected by my dysfunctional upbringing.

4. Who have been the most important males in your life? 

First my father. he was VERY important to me because he was the source of the only love I felt that I got. He was a self-taught man who went down the coal mines at a very early age {13, I think} and much of what he knew was what he had taught himself. He was immensely proud of the fact that once I started school, it was obvious I was heading for college and that would make me the first college graduate in his family.

My two sons many times have been the reason that I picked myself up and moved on. When you are a parent, you do things because you have  children that you would have trouble doing for yourself. In addition, when I realized that my younger son had the same temperament as I have {intoverted, shy, withdrawing} I made a real effort to teach him the life skills that no one ever taught me. And, of course, since the best way to learn something is to teach it to someone else, you know what happened, don’t you?

Next there is Pete. He started as an online friend and became a very close real-life friend. His forte is helping damsels in distress. He was the person I relied on when I was going through some quite severe difficulties in my life. He is the kind of man who asks questions which made me think. We are no longer close because I am no longer in distress. It saddens me that I have to email him first if I want a reply. Actually, I have, somewhat sadly I must say, given up on keeping in touch with him. These days I think that if he wants to contact me, he will.

Then there is Fred. Apart from the fact that I love him, even after being together going-on-eight years he can still make me laugh AND he is totally encouraging of anything I want to do. He persuaded me to get back on a bike after being off one for literally 50 years. I probably would have given up with the weight loss program with the measuring of food and the tracking of walking if it wasn’t for his cheerleading. It was my idea to study Italian and to go to Italy to a total-immersion language school in September, but everything I tell him I am thinking about doing is responded to  positively and encouragingly. If I had to say what has been the best part of my life with him, it is that he has given me courage to try new things and encouragement when I do.

5. Same as above, but now answer regarding the most important females in your life.

I find relationships with females incredibly difficult.

My mother made it quite clear by her actions that she didn’t care much for me. {Oddly enough,  I cannot remember any time she actually said this to me. Perhaps if she had ever been confronted by it, she might have realized what she was feeling/doing and made changes. She wasn’t a bad woman. She was doing the best she had with what she had at that time.} Anyway, when I was teaching, I really never had much to do with the girls. I actually asked my principal if I could send the girls who needed counseling to him. I had no problem dealing  with the boys at all but there is no doubt that girls baffle me. {I have to say here this was outside school work. I could teach girls as competently as I could teach boys.}

6. How many marital (or long-term living-together) partners have you had?

I was married for 19 years. I will never marry again. Fred and I will have been together eight years this spring.

7. What attracted you to them or brought the two of you together?

I was attracted to my ex because he was taller than me! I was SO shallow back then! He also said he wanted to look after me which, back then I found very appealing. {Now I would think that I don’t need looking after, thankyouverymuch!} Oh, and the sex was good.

9. Looking back on your dating life, were there any qualities you seemed most drawn to…. any things a lot of your dating partners had in common with each other?

Well, I am embarrassed to admit it now, but back then I felt I needed someone to look after me! So those were the kinds of men I chose.

10. Were you more often the chaser or the chasee, or wouldn’t those terms even apply to most of your dating relationships?

I don’t think these terms would apply to me.

11. Have you ever been attracted to someone based solely on their physical appearance, enough to approach them and start talking or even ask them out?

Well, I have already mentioned the "taller than me" standard I had back then. I also liked–then and now– men with intelligence. But I never approached them. I was far to shy and self conscious. Now I would if I was not a crone who has taken herself out of the dating pool!

12. Have you ever gone to bed with someone for whom the main attraction you felt was purely physical?

yes, physical attraction used to be one of the top requirements.

13. If so, what physical traits attract you to a person? In fact, if NOT…. even so, what physical traits in a person do you find really really appealing?

I think top of my list is a good mind. A thinker, a reader. He doesn’t have to have the same thoughts or read the same books as I do–Fred, for example, has very different tastes in reading from me. He needs to be clean and reasonably well groomed. A deep voice is also attractive to me. Aready laugh and a smile that lights up his face. I really like animated faces. In fact, my only close woman friend has a wonderful smile which makes her come alive.

14. Were there ever times when you steered clear of a person based solely on their physical appearance?

When I was younger, I wouldn’t look at a man who was shorter than me. I bet I missed many good men because of this silliness! Now, of course, it doesn’t matter.

15. Was there ever a time when you liked a person but because of something about their physical appearance, did not want to have a sexual or romantic relationship with them?

YES, but it wasn’t JUST because of their appearance. That was part of it though.{This is WeeSprite’s answer and I couldn’t have said it better}

16. What physical traits, if any, do you find extremely unattractive?

Grubbiness. I can’t stand, in men or women, an appearance that shows they just don’t care. Fred and I wear casual clothing all the time, but we are clean and our hair is brushed, {Well, mine is—Fred shaves his head!}

17. Have you generally been attracted to people younger than you, older, or about the same age?

About the same age or a little older.

18. How about intellectual level or education level? How does this effect how attracted you might be to a person?

I want them to be smart, but that doesn’t have to include a college degree. But yea, I want them to know stuff, to have some culture, to be able to talk about lots of things and fit into many different circles. {This, again is Weesprite’s answer and I can’t improve on it.}

19. What about shared interests? Is this something very important to you, regarding who you’ll find attractive?

Well, it helps but it is not all-important.

20. What about shared values…. such as religion, political views, etc.

Shared religion and/or polital views are not important to me. What IS important is respect. If I was strongly attracted to say a very religious person, that would be fine as long as he did not seek to "convert" me. I can respect people who have very different views from me as long as they do not seek to turn me to their views. I have no problem having a reasoned discussion when the other person has a different point of view, but once they try to "convert" me. I am gone!

21. Now we get to personality! Do you think you are more drawn to extroverts or introverts…. as partners or as friends?

My only close woman friend is an extrovert and that is part of what drew me to her. But my two male friends are both introverts-with-life-skills. They like to be alone, in fact they both, like me, have to have time alone, but they are both quite able to be functional in crowds and groups.

22. Are there any personality traits you find all right in friends, but wouldn’t want a long-term romantic partner to have?

I can’t think of any.

23. Do you think you are more drawn to people like you, or opposite you, in personality traits?

When I was much younger, it was people who had the skills I lacked that I was most drawn to. But now, I prefer introverts like me! That is , introverts who can also cope in groups and crowds.

24. What personality traits do you find most attractive, and what things put you off the most?

Ok, I think I have answered this one. However, one thing I haven’t mentioned is smoking. I really don’t like to be around smokers. There is really no nice way to say this except that they smell unpleasant to me. However, I was married to one for 19 years!

25. How about talking. Do you prefer people who are very talkative or people who are less so? Does it make any difference whether it’s a friend or a love partner? What type of people have you mostly been attracted to….as friends and/or partners?

I like people who can carry their part of a conversation. I tend to be very quiet but I can take part in a conversation without awkward silences.

26. Have your ideas of what’s attractive or what’s not, changed much over the years? If so, how so?

As I have mentioned, I used to be attracted to people who would look after me. Now, I like people who encourage me to be myself and to try new things. {Can you tell I am talking about Fred here?}

27. Did you ever start out being very attracted to someone and later on lost the feeling of attraction? If so, what caused that to happen?

Well, I was very attracted to my ex when I married him. When I eventually realized that "I like a drink" actually meant he was an alcoholic, I lost all respect for him and thus all interest in him. {There were other things, too, but I won’t discuss them in a diary that is open to the public.}

28. What seems to be the things about you, that attract others to you as friends? as lovers/partners?

You know, I actually don’t know! Hmmm. I am not beautiful Please note I am NOT saying I am ugly. I have a good mind. I can be amusing.I have a nice voice and an attractive English accent. {shrug} I dunno!

29. How much effort do you put into "being attractive"? If you are now married, did you spend more or less time trying to "be attractive" when you were single? or when you were younger?

My Auntie Babs who had a lot of influence on how I am, used to say, "If you are clean and covererd, you are fine!" I am fortunate to have a good skin and hair that looks good most of the time. {As an aside, Vemont is the only place I have ever been where I DO occasionally have "bad hair" days. This is because one HAS to wear a hat in the winter and my hair doesn’t like being squashed down!} I used to use makeup a lot more than I do now. Now, I do moisturize my skin every day because it is naturally dry and feels uncomfortable if I don’t. I wear lip gloss when I go out. I darken my eyebrows every day and occasionally use mascara. I am super-careful about not having food stains on my clothes. I may be Officially Old, but I am not a sterotypical old person with food dribbles and smelling of urine.

30. What things do you do, in large part because these things are attractive to others in one way or another? Are there certain things you couldn’t be bothered doing, no matter what anyone else might think?

Well, I don’t shave under my arms any more although I do bathe often and use deodorant. I am fortunate that Ihave NEVER had to shave my legs in my whole life.{and, no, they are NOT hairy!}

31. Think of your spouse or the person you have been or were "with," romantically, most recently or for the longest amount of time. What was it about this person that you found the most attractive? Or was there some reason other than that, that you were with the person?

Well, I think I have answered this but to sum it all up, I am with Fred because I <span style="text-decoration: underline;”>choose to be and because he is intelligent, clever, obviously likes me, and is the world’s best hugger and cheerleader. I am with him because he is good for me and brings out the best in me.

32. How attractive do you consider yourself to be and how do you measure your own attractiveness?

I am an attractive woman. I am clever, can be amusing, literate, musical, artistic and can go on and on about this!

 

 

QUOTATIONS FOR THIS MONTH: Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Mark Twain

I don’t think about risks much. I just do what I want to do. If you gotta go, you gotta go.

Lillian Carter

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Ci vedo dopo…. see you later…