**11/28/2012

The day before yesterday, I got an email from my landlord telling me he would be going out of town for a week and could I give him the rent check before he went. I emailed back and told him that I could but would he please not cash it until the 1st or after. I didn’t say "because if you don’t, it will bounce all over Chittenden county and I will be charged a penalty which I can ill afford." The rent is due on the first of each month but when Fred was alive, we always paid it at least one day before the due date. We also made a point of having in our household account at least enough money to pay two months rent plus our other household bills. {You many remember that Fred and I paid half each of every bill that came into the house from the household account to which we contributed equal amounts.} Since I am the only contributor to the household account these days, I am unable to keep a slush fund in it to cover paying the rent check early. So, this morning I get email saying "Never mind" and that he had changed his automatic mortgage payment to a later date and he would pick up my check from the post office box to which I mail it when he gets back. I am not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, I am glad that he will do this, but on the other hand, I find myself resenting that these days, paying bills is so difficult for me. Well, perhaps resenting isn’t the word I need. I am reminded of my mother’s comment about things like this—"Nice for some people!" {To which my Auntie Babs often replied with "Envy is a pretty shade of green…"}

Last night I went to a bereavement group with a book group friend whose mother died a few months before Fred died. It was low-key and I didn’t feel any pressure to talk if I didn’t want to, which I didn’t. One subject that came up was that several of the people there commented that they wished they had known that the person they were grieving for was dying before he or she actually died. That struck a huge chord with me. I knew Fred was very ill, I heard him often saying that if he lived in a state where "death with dignity" was the norm, he would have already asked for the pills and yet when he died it was a shock. If I had actually put into words the thought that he was getting worse, not better, I would probably have realized it. One thing I am proud of myself for not doing was that I never said, "Oh, don’t talk like that!" when he talked about the "death with dignity" movement. I just listened and did what I could to ameliorate his pain. That meeting stirred up a lot of things in my head and I had an almost sleepless night so I am not sure if I will go again. However, as I used to tell myself when I went to Adult Children of Alcoholic’s meetings, as long as I hear something that helps me, being in the group is worth my time.

Fear not for the future, weep not for the past.

Percy Bysshe Shelley (1792-1822) English Poet

Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.

– Oscar Wilde

Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone. ~Fred Rogers (Mr. Roger

We knew my Dad was very ill as well. The doc had told us to just take him home and let him go in peace. We even had hospice. But it was still a shock…he went so quickly. I don’t know that we are ever really ready to lose a loved one. *hugs*

gray tabby

November 28, 2012

i know that feeling… being the only contributor to paying the bills. don’t much like it. i went to a compassionate friends meeting after jason died… didn’t much like it. don’t like to have people see me hurting. so, i didn’t go again. i know they help many people. i guess i just wasn’t open to it. not sure how i feel about the death with dignity movement. i sorta think it’s a good idea but then i think that it’s wrong to hasten your own death. i don’t know. i feel all confused when i think about that. take care,

goodbye bleeder

I just had to do a presentation on death with dignity act in oregon and washington and how other countries already do this. It was more of an informative thing, but goodness I learned so much from it. I think it is hard to actually realize that someone is going to die or attempt to come to terms with that while they are still alive. At work I often see it, know it, know the signs,etc…and it is

(c) so hard to translate that into something when you have to see how badly a family is hurting or their denial as they sit bedside with their loved one. It’s hard, but that is when compassion and just listening goes a heck of a long way.

Violet

I don’t think any of us is actually prepared for when someone else dies. Even if we KNOW that they are “on the way out” and that death is immenent, the actual moment of their dying takes us by surprise. When my dad died, we were at his bedside and he was in a coma, and we knew he would probably not make it through the night, but some of us decided that it would probably take hours, so we decided to go home and return in the morning. By the time I got to my house from the hospital, he was gone. Even though I KNEW it was coming, it was still a shock because nobody really knows WHEN. Maybe it’s not so much the knowing, but the actual fact that they are suddenly gone that’s the shock. If I knew someone who took a pill and I sat right there and watched them do it, it would still have a huge impact when they breathed their last breath. All things considered, I think the way Fred left was probably the best way he would have chosen–at home in his own bed. (((Hugs)))

TheWoodsprite

I think it was rude of your landlord to ask for the rent money early. LOTS of people can’t pay a bill as big as rent or mortgage early….we can when I’m working, but not when I wasn’t. I’m glad you went to the bereavement group anyway; at least you got an idea of what it’s like, so you can decide if it would be good for you to go or not. We all knew that my Mom was dying. She lingered along time and even though we loved her soooo much, it was a relief when she was no longer suffering. Dad’s dying came as a complete surprise. He went from being healthy to being dead, really, in the space of a week. That death was a lot harder for me to deal with. hugs, Nicky

I’m so sorry that you had a rough night. I just heard about the Death With Dignity movement last week while talking with my mom. I’m just not sure about this for me.From the conversation I had with my mother it just didn’t sound very dignified. Add into that the fact that I am Catholic and I personally don’t think it’s right. Then again, I also believe the whole ” to each his own ” belief and

would certainly not think ill of someone who made that choice for themselves. It’s all in how one believes and I might even change my own mind if I were terribly ill. Keeping you in my prayers. Hugs,M

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I would do if alone – and no little about what Husband would need to do/ do without. He, unfortunately, will not think or plan about this. I wish we could have a frank discussion on the subject, but that is not going to happen. I don’t do support group things well. They are helpful to some people, but I am not one of those. I know that you are practical enough to do what suits you best.

*hugs*

All Cats Rule

November 29, 2012

I find a lot of help on OD, with my ‘friends’ here, even just a little note, knowing that someone read and ‘listened’. I’ve been avoiding going to the MS Support group meeting for years… its like if I go, then I have to deal with it. Also on dying with dignity. I am an advocate. I’ve experienced such horrible pain for years with my MS before we finally found a medication and dose that works, I even smoked pot a few times, which helped with the pain. But its not legal and something else was found. But 4 years ago, in December, I wanted to end it, I couldn’t live in pain like that anymore. Hubby isn’t for it, but he knows that should I become so disabled that I cannot function at all, to feed me, to dress me in such daily agony, that I will pursue this option. And my mortgage has been late the last few months, by a week, but not over 30 days. Trying to catch up, its coming, but slowly.