The Parting

It’s hard for her to believe she’s pulling up to the front already. Her coffee mug’s still half full, the lullaby on the CD has several more stanzas and her mind’s not quite where she needs it to be. A quick glance at the clock on the dash says none of this matters – the time is here and now. She switches off the ignition as she opens the door, steps out and simultaneously opens the rear door.

He is wide awake and bottomless blue eyes planted in his round face stare unblinkingly as she reaches forward to release the straps. He recognizes the cascade of hair and smiles as he becomes enveloped in the familiar scent of her, pumping his arms and legs in glee while flashing a little pearl tooth.

Oh God, I don’t think I can do this, I’m not ready…I’m just not ready.

She slides in the rear seat and pulls the door shut as she leans over and breathes in the breath of him, his cleanliness, his innocence, his promise. Nothing in her life had prepared her for this…she never counted on this, never dreamed of it nor imagined it. Pulling away, she brushed his cheek with a kiss, his eyes grabbing her again as she retreated.

She lifted him from the seat with a quick hug, opened the door and slid out of the car grabbing the black bag off the floorboard as she exited. Fighting feelings of flight and escape, she flung her hair back with a shrug of her head, pulled the blanket tighter around him, hoisted the bag on her shoulder and started down the walk. Was it her imagination or did he feel warm? A fever? Oh, what if he was coming down with something. What kind of mother was she? How could she do this? What was she thinking?

I’ll get back in the car, that’s what I’ll do… I’ll get in the car, drive home and then call to say I’ve changed my mind. I have the right to do that. I’m the one who made the decision and I can unmake it. Nobody’s business but mine. What on earth made me think this would work. What made me think I loved him so little

The front door opened and snapped her out of her revelry. The older lady reached out her arms and with a smile ripped her precious cargo out of her arms and reached back to slide the black bag off her shoulder.

“Well now, here we are. Do you have everything you need in here sweetie? Oh my, look at those beautiful blue eyes and…oh, what’s that – yes, you have a tooth don’t you? Oh, what a cutie you are.”

Okay, her lips are moving – is she talking to me – what is she saying? Well it doesn’t matter what she’s saying because I’ve changed my mind – he’s not staying after all. He’s coming back home with me. He’s my son, it’s my decision and that’s that.

“We’re having playtime right now sweetie, and then we’ll have the nice snack your Mommy packed for you. We’ll have storytime after that, then a short nap and then…guess what? Your Mommy will be back to pick you up!! Doesn’t that sound like fun? Oh, we’ll have so much fun today – okay? Now, give Mommy a kiss so she can be off to work.”

She leans over to kiss his cheek, but gets his ear as he turns to look through the door at the rest of the children. He turns back to her quickly with his movie star smile and then raises his little hand to wave bye-bye…just like she taught him.

She slowly returns his wave and then turns back down the walk as the door closes. Her walk is slow and halting because in her mind she keeps thinking she’s going to turn around and go back. But she keeps on going and slowly climbs back into the quietness of the car, starts the engine and pulls away from the curb.

Four hours…four hours – God, what was I thinking?