Ready to Learn

I’ve felt a tug of homesickness a few times lately – this aside from the loneliness and the catch in my throat when I think of our family and how far away they are. No, this homesickness is something different, coming at odd times and carrying me back to what was home and familiar for so long. I’ve accepted it will be this way for awhile…maybe always, and I’ve decided to make the return visit in my heart whenever I need to. No amount of distance can take away the memories, sights, sounds and smells of that beautiful place. Time won’t diminish the friendships we nurtured there and the love for the people who are suddenly not part of our everyday life. I haven’t been surprised by these feelings, as a matter of fact I expected them, but what is surprising to me are the small and seemingly insignificant moments that transport me back there to that land I love so much.

George and I drove a friend to the airport today to catch a flight to New York. As we neared the terminal, I asked what airline she was on so that I could pinpoint the drop-off area as we approached. As she said “Delta”, I pulled up to the only sign visible, which read “Passenger drop-off”. Here, there was one lone outside check-in and our friend was the only one there. As I opened my door to help her with her bags, I went back to another airport with cars teeming and lines forming in front of the various airlines. I smelled the exhaust from the shuttle buses and vans, dodged the taxis and tried to peer through the smoked windows of the limos. Then, I hugged her, said good-bye and pulled away without even having to use my blinker.

When I open my back door in the mornings and step out into the morning air with my cup of coffee, it’s a shock that the air is warm and balmy and, while it feels wonderful, I always see myself in sweatpants, sheepskin slippers and jacket as I sit on another deck in another place and say good morning to my world. I worry about the birds I left behind and the squirrels and the raccoons. My neighbor promised me that she would double the food she left out when I left, so there would be plenty for my animals. But surely they must wonder what happened to us…all those generations we fed and who were so totally unafraid of us.

I saw three geese today beside a pond – the first geese I’ve seen since arriving here, and I saw myself dodging the geese on the golf course and in the parks. And I remember my own flock of geese that I loved so much on my little farm. They mate for life and I’ve wondered if people realize that when they term them a nuisance.

George and I went into a coffee shop the other day and asked for iced coffee. “Iced coffee?” he questioned. “Yes, and not too much ice please”. We soon had coffee cups in our hand with two, maybe three melted ice cubes floating on the top. The result of pouring hot coffee over ‘not too much ice’. We laughed and knew we’d have to find those places who knew about coffee and all the delicious ways to enjoy it.

These are just a few of the small moments that have taken me back and I know there will be so many more. I’m not the same person who left this part of the world so many years ago. The soft people who touched me, the wonderful and grand trees that enveloped and protected me, the animals who taught me so much about love and life and the sheer magnificence and grandeur of that country are a part of me for all time. The freedom I found in that country, the freedom to be me has strengthened and empowered me in a way I never would have thought possible.

I know that I will write more about this as I travel back while travelling forward. It will be a necessary part of this change and it feels good to get it down on paper. In some ways I know I’ve come home and in some ways I know I’ve left home. In a very real way I know there is a huge lesson here. I’m ready to learn.