Family Notes

I just spent two weeks in the south and it was a good two weeks. I have words inside me that are pushing to come out, begging to be put down on paper, wanting to be heard, shared, understood, confirmed, released and in a real way, validated and owned. There are many people there who have been in my life since my first breath and whom I cannot imagine life without. There are some with whom I have shared some of the most meaningful experiences of my lifetime and expect many more to follow. There are a few with whom I have begun to lose touch and who are not so present in my life as they once were and that makes me sad.

An aunt with whom I have always been very close now has Alzheimer’s and it was necessary to tell her repeatedly who I was and where I currently live. (Good and Loud 3/9/02) She still laughs a lot and has a good bit of her old sense of humor but something real and warm is missing – it’s like she is fading away into herself and has to cling to the outer world in bits and pieces and with constant reminders from those around her. Her husband, my uncle, is always by her side and how blessed she is in that sense. She panics when he is out of her sight for more than a few moments. He was the uncle the young children of the family always gravitated towards as he always had a prank up his sleeve and a conspiring grin on his face. He still has that spark and if he feels overwhelmed with his life, he masks it well. I miss my aunt in my life and mourn the loss of the special relationship we always shared. She has three daughters, all younger than I and their loss must be devastating. She is in good health so chances are that they will continue to witness her withdrawal for a long, long time.

My brother has also drawn into himself. Oh, he goes through the motions with his wife, his children and his grandchild, but it’s as if he’s not there. I found it difficult to carry on a conversation with him and only after returning home did I realize that we never really had one. He’s a few years younger than I and I’m wondering what roads he has traveled to turn him inward. From what I can see, he doesn’t really relate to anyone. I’ve written him letters, emailed him and this past year on his birthday I sent him a written tribute ( My Brother’s Day 1/31/02) of my love and admiration. He has never acknowledged any of it. He’s very friendly when we speak, but there is no depth there, no interest on his part whatsoever as far as I can tell. I am both puzzled and hurt and I miss him.

I spent a special birthday with my Grandmother and still can’t think of that day without tears welling up. I’ll write about that when the time is ripe.

My aunt and uncle with whom I’ve always been the closest are noticeably older – she uses a cane now and moves very slowly. I had to help her up the stairs from the lakehouse. My uncle who has always been hard of hearing is now even more so, so she speaks very loudly and he leans forward to catch her words. My aunt’s beauty is as present as ever but softer, much softer now and her eyes a lighter blue. She still makes me feel special though and tells me often how she loves me and how she has always loved me.

Another uncle is amazing. He has Parkinson’s Disease and the happiest, healthiest outlook on life of anyone I know (Family Secrets 3/24/02). He’s a bit more frail than when I saw him this past spring, but the laughter is still present and the glint still in his eye.

My Mother has mellowed a bit and all in all I would say this is some of the best time I have ever spent with her. I consciously made an effort to understand her and where she is coming from. I went out of my way to make her feel loved and included in everything. On some level I believe she sensed these things and tried to meet me halfway. This is an awesome thing. I found that I missed her when I returned home and that hasn’t happened in over 50 years. Maybe it’s true that It’s never too late…and for that I am thankful.

My sister – well, she’s my sister. We’ve gone through so many things together…I could write a book (maybe I will). We’ve had a few rough spots these past few years due to some outside influences going on in both our lives, but we were as solidly together this time as we have ever been and I miss her each day. She made the time special and I could sense that she wanted it to be a special trip for me. It was.

I’ve lived away from my family since the age of 15 and I’ve never gone back to live – just visits. Many years passed before there were noticeable changes in these people who have chronicled my life who have been the foundation of my life – these people from whom I came and to whom I will always owe such a debt of gratitude. But this trip was different. They are older – as am I. Time never stands still, even when it seems to. We are passing through life and the day will come when there will be fewer and fewer of them at our family reunions when I return home. How did I let the years pass without spending more time with them? Did I tell them that I loved them often enough? Did I show them? Did I reach out to them. Yes, I did – I always told them and tried to show them the love I had for them – and still it’s not enough. Maybe it can never be enough.

I think I shall write first about my sister.