I Give Up

I have given up.  I can’t do it anymore.  For almost a month I have tried, and failed each time.  I wanted so badly to breastfeed the boys.  It’s just not going to happen.  I try everyday.  It ends in us all crying.  They cry because they’re pissed and want to eat.  I cry because I can’t get them to latch.  I honestly can not take that disappointment anymore.  It’s driving me to depression.

I blame it on lack of proper support and help.  The hospital waited too long to let me try breastfeeding.  I can’t even pump enough to give them only breast milk in a bottle.  Again, I blame the hospital.  They waited until 2 days after I gave birth to give me a pump.  And then, no one wanted to show me how to use it.  They didn’t want to help me at all.  Like I’m pretty sure my left breast is fucked up because of it.  I had so much trouble with engorgement on that side.  I just couldn’t get it to go down.  Eventually it did.  But I swear it’s broken that breast.  It’s annoying to pump and see that I get 1/2 ounce from the left side and then 2oz from the right.

I blame myself.  If I hadn’t smoked for the first half of the pregnancy.  If I had eaten healthier.  If I had not taken all that Tylenol for my body aches.  If I had taken my vitamins.  Maybe if I had done things differently, they would have made it to term.  And then, maybe I would have been given the chance to breastfeed from the beginning.

I do pump for them.  And I realize that even a little breast milk is better then none.  But I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up with that either.  Pumping every 2-3 hours and I still only average 6-8oz a day.  The boys eat anywhere from 3-5oz per feeding.  I am so sore from being attached to a pump all day.

Ugh I’m just so tired of crying all the time.