Empty.

So this was hands down one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve ever had (if not THE best) – we stayed home and cooked all day and ate, then girls and I made cookies, and then we watched a new Christmas movie to end the night.  My dad is pissed at me because we didn’t go to the family Thanksgiving, even though I told him why.  I told him I had another miscarriage – bringing the grand total to 3 – he didn’t even acknowledge what I said, just proceeded to yell at me for saying I wasn’t going.  My mom understands and said she wanted us to come,  but wasn’t mad.

To make matters worse the beginning of this week we found out the results to Ryan’s sperm analysis.  Every result was low.  Quantity, concentration, mobility, and morphology are all low – most extremely low.  We knew this was probably going to be the case, but my OBGYN said that now we need to see a fertility specialist to decide where we go from here.  This is crushing news.  Our insurance doesn’t cover any fertility treatments or specialists.  We’re paying everything out of pocket.  Just a 45 minute consult is going to be like $400.  We don’t have that kind of money.  We already had to pay $200 for the sperm analysis.  It just kills me that we are so close to a solution, but we can’t afford it.  I know there’s grants to help people with fertility issues due to cancer but I don’t know how to go about thst.. plus we could save up, but I just don’t know that I could spend the kind of money it would take when I already have the girls I still have to take care of.  I mean we’re looking at anywhere from a few thousand to over $20k.  I still can’t shake this strong desire to keep pushing forward.  I want to have a baby with him more than any thing.  I want him to experience all of it and to feel how truly incredible it is.  Not to undermine his relationship with the girls,  he’s their dad even though they don’t share blood.  He does everything for them.. to him, he’s their dad, and to them, he’s their dad.  But there is something different and magical to see this tiny being that you created.. and I want him to have that so bad.  It’s a little self serving also, though, because I want to have a piece of him that no one can take away from me.  He is truly my soul mate and I can’t imagine a world without him, even though I know it’s always a possiblity.  It kills me though that members of my family are saying behind our back that we shouldn’t have kids because he’s sick.  It angers me so much, especially because then he starts thinking that we shouldn’t have kids because he doesn’t want to leave me a single mother with that to worry about.  He doesn’t understand that I’ve been a single mother before and survived.  Plus, if something were to happen, I would NEED that part of him to survive.  I have so many thoughts going through my head.. but I should sleep.. I have to work tomorrow.   I just needed to get stuff out.  More later.