Fluid Dynamics

Now that I’ve had a kid piss his pants in my classroom, I can now confidently say that I’ve had to deal with nearly every bodily function in my four years as a middle school teacher.

Vomit? Check. Several times. No big deal.

Blood? Check. The most egregious offense was when a student popped a boil on his butt, then proceeded to rub his blood-covered ass all over random things in my orchestra room. It looked like someone was filming a sequel to "The Shining" in my classroom. Smears of blood, punctuated by little streaks of pus. Exactly as welcoming as you would imagine it could be…

Sex fluids? Check. Caught a girl masturbating in the front row of my band class a couple of years ago. She had one hand down her pants, another up her shirt, and she was headed to O-town, population- her. I could tell she was trying to get attention, but somehow, no one noticed, so I didn’t say anything until the end of class… when I took her to the guidance office for some… guidance… and a good hand-washing.

Menstruation Material? Check. Could probably be placed in the same category as blood, but it just seems… different when you’re a male teacher and you need to find an inconspicuous way to tell a girl that she needs to go to the nurse. Especially when she’s wearing white pants, and leaves some crimson goodness on her chair as she leaves.

I guess all that’s left is poop?

I can’t wait…