Vapor

I am draggin this morning. Depression is frustrating.

Physically I am fine – except for some extra winter poundage. My physical stamina is at its normal high. I’ve even had a fairly good night’s sleep. But I have no ego strength. I have no will power. My mind is sharp, but without any will, it chooses to think about – nothing. Planning what to do in a given day is very difficult for me now, where normally I see the whole day in a linked chain of events, or better, as fluid.

I spent the evening last night with my Study group. Instead of Bible Study as normal, we did a night-out, and went to Major Metro Area to hang out and eat, basically. While my observations of this outing compared to other outings with other groups and so on are rather unique in a bland sort of way, thats not my point here. My point is, being social all night, even at a low level of demand, has depleted my emotional reserves. My condition right now might be best described as fragile. Or, needy. I have no ego-strength of my own today.

This was amplified when just a few minutes ago, my boss called me into his office and asked about holiday vacation times. We confirmed dates etc, then he added “I’ve noticed that you’ve been on your cell phone alot over the past couple of weeks. I think its too much and shouldn’t continue.” Mind you, he’s not a mean guy, and he delivered this statement with the perfect balance of conversational tone and simple authority. But I wanted to go shrieking and hide in the corner.

Instead. I agreed that it has been a lot lately, and its been a nuisance (I have been receiving a LOT of calls on my cell phone. I have made my cell my “home phone number”, and so I am getting more business personal calls, and just more calls in general as the holidays progress. My “normal” talking though remains about the same.) Its also put a small dent in my budget. I explained the reasons above as why it may have been happening, and concluded with “Lets both watch my usage and see if it doesn’t go back to normal after the holiday.” He agreed.

In normal work day business, that was an excellent exchange. It was simple, direct, discreet and polite, and it ended proactively. But today, inside, I turned into vapor. I went back to my desk and my body and brain set about the chore I had been doing previous. But I personally was blank. No thoughts, no feeling except a timorous trembling deep inside. Like a gasping for air when you breathe water.

All of this, and its not even 10am yet, and we have a birthday lunch to go to today. I am ready to die.

BUT for the support of a few friends, who intervene in just the right way, and keep me afloat, keep me alive, keep me feeling connected. To paraphrase one friend in IM, when I explained what had happened, and how I survive: “Awh. how sweet! Thats love.”

And it is. And it keeps me going when I have nothing else.

Thank you friends.