Turning season

A lot is going on that I should be journalling about, even if I am marking it private. Unfortunately, it is fall, which means the beginning of Season Affective Depression for me. I will begin transitioning through a period of low ego-strength (not to be confused with self-esteem), where I will borrow on the ego-strength of others for motivation and social energy. I become less outgoing and less motivated, while coincidentally becoming more emotionally available (a result of loss of ego strength, which powers my thinking brain, and normally keeps it protected as it processes my emotions).

It actually started a few weeks ago, when I first saw the signs of SAD in my life – I began seeking sleep. I have noted that I have automatically adjusted my sleep schedule to allow an earlier bed time. I took a nap today at lunch – I got lunch in our building’s deli, then walked out to my car, ate for 15 minutes, then napped for the remaining 45 minutes. Eventually, I may nap for all of lunch, and stop eating except for an evening meal (but, its early to say).

Another reason I am not writing right now is a small bout of computer phobia. Not really phobia – I deal with technology so much in my job, and with so many of my extra projects, there are just spans of time that pop up when I don’t want to have anymore to do with computers than my boss makes me have. It will pass soon.

Beyond that, there is just much that my mind is chewing on. I am feeling sheared by certain personal committments that have become grossly distorted over the last few days. The shearing is a phenomenon I am fairly able to detect, and while its not overly great, it is undesirable (the shearing, not the committment). And it puts me in an awkward way that I don’t think people realize. Or maybe they do, and they just count on my cohesiveness and adaptablility. *soft sigh* It is a small price for myself, but I fear the price is huge for others, and for the slipstream in general. {Did the intuits understand what I just said?}

So, today, even though it is a Monday, and there are little parts and pieces to run around and get done, I have decided to write while at work. I am hoping the result is cathartic.

OH – on the downsides, I forgot even to mention – the top bone in my neck has popped out of alignment. I was in a serious auto accident in college in which I didn’t seek treatment, and the result was that my spine started growing in the wrong direction. (I have received treatment since then, but) My spine now pops in and out of alignment all the time, with little consequence most of the time. But the top neck bones, when they pop out – about once or twice a year – they are very difficult to get back in naturally, and even with chiropractic they are difficult. And, while they are out, the affect mood, my ability to concentrate, immediate recall memory, logical continuity, and a host of other largely intelligence related problems. Plus, my head just becomes too heavy for me to support all day, requiring frequent breaks to lay on the floor and rest.

So I need some catharsis. The good stuff – my boss has suggested that our department might take over ALL web services from I.T., and that I might be trained to do this. I suggested upfront that there are other individuals that already probably have this training who are on our payroll. Then, after some research, I have suggested that I need to become RedHat Certified. *ggg* (this training would cost around $5000 – way off budget, both mine and my employers.. but you don’t receive if you don’t ask!)

Our Bible study resumed last month. Our study is a Bill Hybels study on who Jesus is. Before we started this study I told our group that I had already gone through several years of personal study of who God is, and now I was ready to learn more about the individual of Jesus Christ. This fact also ties into the Soularize conference, very profoundly. It is a good study, but it meets Monday nights, so I rarely have time Tuesday mornings to journal it.

On a funny note, last week, after the study, we actually played penny-ante poker! *laughing*

(cont’d)