Tumbling

[staring at the screen.]

[There’s so much to write about. So much turning, spining, slowly revolving around itself. My head and my heart are tumbling about a cluster of thoughts.]

[I am tumbling. Energy and inertia without a course. I free fall through time-space.]

[This is the trouble with being a perceiver – it is very difficult to choose SOMETHING from a universe of EVERYTHING.]

[I want to write about the visit to the farm. It is so refreshing to live so simply. So honestly. The mud was a mess. I don’t have boots for that kind of work, at least, I didn’t bring them. But, thats okay. The mud dries and it all washes off. We took a 45 year old chick brooder out of storage, and after dumping 5 gallons of mud-dauber nests out of the crown, we soldered on a new power cord, and fired it right up. I can’t believe how well made things were back then. The whole time on the farm is always a personal mazement.]

[I could write about Kim. A young woman who, though we’ve only met once, counts me as a close friend and I her. But I was so much in general turmoil this visit, and she is such a temptation, that I could not trust myself to be fully exposed to her. Fully myself with her. So I kept a close distance. And, I think, she understood. That by itself is enough to melt my heart when I am otherwise so… lost? No… tumbling.]

[I could write about the self exploration that I started before I left. Of a realization that… What chapter am I in now? Since my best-friend? “God Carries Me” “Now I Walk”, “Now I Run”… I am in the third chapter, and I am reaching the meat of that chapter… To Run. A new realization of my identity, of God’s role for me.]

[How much of that ties in to the exposure I had. One of my pastor’s loaned me “Soul Tsunami” on cassette. What a mind-blowing message. Too much to digest in one listening. But so many important concepts. The book itself is about paradigm-shift in church …what? In all of church. All areas. A shift in the entire role of church in the post-modern society. But, I am a member of the church… how does this shift apply to me? How will I process it? What can I become? What does God want me to become?]

[I could write about the bunging up of responsiblities from work, and vocation. The extra art project for a local historical celebration. The bond issue, the art for another department. The web projects. The personal web projects. The projects for myself. All of them important to me or to someone. And me, I am tumbling through them.]

[I am in an automatic flight mode..no, not flight mode. Flight modes are off-line. I am tumbling through space, waiting to get the engines back online, and waiting to clear some of this debris from around myself, so I can right myself to the ecliptic, plot a course, and begin to cruise again.]

[Then there’s always the question of “How did I get here?” How did I attract all this debris? Thats easy, I say. I am depressed, I say. I am trying to hide my pain behind all these projects. I know how to say “no”, but I have chosen not to recently. And it costs me opportunities that come up in the short term. Or, it costs me these projects.]

[I need to survive the week. Things are going to stretch and break over this week. And, I don’t want them to, but I need them to. Too many choices, only one at a time. Lord, help me to survive the tumbling. Help me to do my best in cleaning up the debris, finishing these projects as best as possible. Help me get to where I can fly straight again, Lord. And help show me the course.]

[I think… that course will take me into the next chapter…]

[…but I still don’t know what to write]