That gap (pt 2)

And thats really what I think its all about anyway. Relationships, best friends. Friendships.

Anyway, last August, my best friend “broke up” with me. She is a she – I tell you that to be “up front” about it more than anything else. And, the issues of our breakup could fill several days reading – I still don’t understand it. [I believe life is a story, and two chapters have been commited to this. I am currently in the third]. But, I have moved on to forgiveness and acceptance. Both of myself and my friend.

All of that is to say – today, I went exploring. By myself.

I really really really really miss my best friend.

I miss that safety, where my kid could come out and play. (this is someone who continued to sit at Chili’s with me when I actually ate two holes in a tortilla and put it under my eyeglasses as a mask!) I miss the intimacy, of sharing of secrets and motives and passions. I miss knowing there is someone there to watch my back. I miss having that back to watch. I miss being wanted for companionship – just being wanted for myself (we used to just sit. Sit and stare. Stare at the trees, stare at the cookfire, stare at nothing, at each other, just whatever) not needing to do anything or be anything other than a friend.

I am not needy (at least, I don’t feel like I am) I don’t feel clingy or anything like that right now. But, honestly, I do NEED that best friend. I do NEED someone there by my side. [I have many friends, but for whatever reasons, they are currently just “friends”.]

I am complete through Christ, and He goes with me everywhere. So I am never truely alone. And God holds me every now and again when I need to be held. I have cried into His shoulder, a more secure shoulder than any friend I will ever find on this earth. Period. I know that truth intimately.

But still, He designed me to have this hole over here, too. So I am a complete person whether someone is in that positon or not. But, I as the person going around living and doing, am very much aware that there is no one in that place. And somedays, some hours, some times browsing other people’s writing… that just kinda sucks. [sad chuckle]

And in the morning, I will have screwed courage and stamina and fortitude and mission to the sticking place, and will march out to meet my duty as on any other day both after and before the breakup. And, likewise, I will be looking, passively and actively, for new people, new relationships, and opportunities to expand existing or old ones. [those of you exposing yourself to me here, thank you.]

It truely is a delight getting to know you, through your writing and for some of you, your comments. And, as I wait upon the Lord’s will, maybe some of you will grow to become true friends. Good friends. Great friends. Maybe even best friends?

Maybe. But I cannot help but hurt for the presence of the one who created this most recent vacancy.

I have always said “God picks my friends”, and I must say, all in all, I’ve been very blessed. But he picked her carefully, too, and while I keep an open mind towards new relationships, I find I cannot completely look away from the old. Can God do better? Sure. Does He want to, or has He already done His best for me?

[slow smile] I don’t know. But, that gap does feel better now.

[thank you for reading both parts of this entry]