That gap

Its dull grey outside.

I am sitting very much alone in my cubicle. The lights are off – its after hours and besides, the screen seems more intense with the lights off.

I ran errands today, for the office. Its nice to get out and about during work hours. It reminds me very much of when I worked for myself. And, maybe thats what started things clicking.

One of my errands took me to our new City/County Library. The old building has doubled in size and been reworked by a well-renowned NY architech. It is very contemporary. It was my first time there since the grand opening of the new half (the old half is being converted now). It was a new experience. I was exploring.

And I was doing it alone.

I get back here; the day is mostly gone. Thats okay. I do what work I can until the time is up, then I log onto here and start roaming thru my favorites and some new diaries I’d never read before. And this relationship thing that I keep reading about, its killing me.

[chuckling] No, its not the Valentines Day thing for me. That seems to be what is tripping the triggers for other writers. To me, Valentines Day is a marketing scheme. The concept is nice, but face it, if you only spoil your significant other once a year…well… I think you’ve got room for improvement.

No, what got me going was the lack of friendship. Let me explain, and maybe the words will help fill in the gap that has started aching at my side….

I am one to always have a buddy. A wingman. A best-friend. This has been true all my life for me. I have been a charismatic, or intellectual leader of groups of people (even in Kindergarten), but I always had, or was looking for, a Best Friend. This person can be my protege, or my mentor. Its best when they are both.

I even categorized the phenomenon in college. There’s the MSF and MSM (most significant male and female), then there’s the “Best Friend”. There is also the “Girlfriend”, which for me must be by definition the “Best Friend” so the “Best Friend” position automatically gets filled by the MSM. Someone else can move up into the MSM position.

Its important to understand, though, that having a best friend is more important than having a girlfriend, and if I can’t be a woman’s best friend, its fat chance she will be my girl friend, either. It should be obvious, that “spouce” replaces “girlfriend” when I am married (that is to say, the girlfriend becomes the wife).

How important is all this category crap? Not very, not really. I created it using idle brainpower during my first year or two of college. I keep it around because it gives me a useful framework for self-exploration and improvement. It came about by my observation that I always had one key female person in my life. Either a mentor or a protege. My best friend during college was Ariel (a guy), and my roomates and several classmates were close seconds. Having a mentor or a protege did not prevent me from hitting on (other) women. But, that was more like sport. At the end of the day, my significant female friend and I would go get beer or burgers, or we would study together or whatever.

And I dated around (remind me to tell you the “date from hell” sometime. I am told Woody Allen couldn’t write better material. It was with the same woman who brought me “the perfect date”), and sometimes, the significant female and I went on “dates”. But usually, these were no different than the “dates” Ariel and I would go on. It was more about two friends bonding together than boy/girl stuff.

And thats really what I think its all about anyway. Relationships, best friends. Friendships.

[continued next entry]