Sad Weekend

Last Sunday my S.A.D. swung into full force.

I was having a chaotic but great weekend, particularly Saturday night of hanging with Tyler and Gon. They came back to The City on a truck-run (to pick up Gon’s mom’s truck) and we went to eat at Applebee’s, play at Best Buy, and then music browsing at B&N.

While at Applebee’s we debated the futures of Tyler’s folks, and regularly commented that Gon is a wanker. At Best Buy, we were flirted with by a woman of 27 years, one of the store help. We left frustrated because it was unclear who she was flirting with – plus none of us (geeks that we are) are good at closing the deal. At B&N, we were amused by all of the covers and remakes this season, including Johnny Cash singing Poe, and a female folk artist covering Sting.

Yes, it was a fine weekend.

Sunday morning I sat down in church, and it crept up on me. That inescapable feeling that I didn’t want to be near any of these people – near any people at all. I began to draw on intellectual strength to replace my missing emotional strength. Yes, the seasonal depression was setting in.

This weekend was our church play. Of course this means spending lots of time close in with a regular group of people. I made it through, but I was using all my resources in the process. I had planned on spoiling myself – alone – by seeing the new Star Trek on Friday, and maybe doing some cycling on Saturday or Sunday, plus spending time at home alone cleaning house and sleeping in.

Instead I spent most of my non-structured time establishing a broadband network at Pastor Dean’s and shopping. Alas, there are still shrimp-tails in my sink, and I have had no rejuvenating rest.

By 3rd Shift sunday night, I was an emotional wreck. I walked in late, surveyed the prayer going on, then found a quiet corner for myself. Ray found me and greeted me with a hug asking me, “How are you, dude?”. My answer started with a sob, and I just cried into his shoulder for several minutes before I finally answered, “Fine.”

He prayed for me on the spot, and though the prayer was misguided (in that he was requesting release from my troubles, of which I truely have none) God still touched my heart through the compassion of a friend.

I was aloof and distant for the balance of the evening, but I participated in any case. I went home feeling okay.

For people who do not understand SAD or who have never really had a bout with non-triggered depression, its really hard. Several people came over to me over the night, but they did not know my needs, and I was tired enough that I did not want to explain them, so they may have gone away thinking I was a jerk. I hope not. I hope they simply understood that whatever it was, was not the kind of help I needed just then.

But a few people found it.

Keep me distracted. Keep me going. Include me, but don’t expect anything from me. Just give me the chance to contribute if I want to, and otherwise leave me be.

SO I made it through, even though I sat at a table of people who were strangers to me (and where not therefore slighted when I was quiet and aloof), and my friends laughed their heads off at the next table over.

I miss my dad. And I really miss my buddy.