Pity, its a dream. (3)

She just spoke directly at me, however I’m still not convinced she can even see me. Or knows who I am as an individual. I was hiding at the far corner of the game room when they exited, so I took several moments to extricate myself from the pool table and books and make my way to the hallway and beyond. The trailer is laid out with the master bedroom in the middle, next to the kitchen (at least, it is in my dream). When I reach the room, I hear sounds of passion. I step into the dark room to discover two naked people having sex on the floor on the far side of the bed.

Unbelievable that they could get so naked so quickly.

My friend was on top. He was engaged in a kiss, among other things, but still caught sight of me in the sliding mirrors of their closet doors (this element I recognize from the master bedroom of my high-school home, but these are NOT my parents!). He reached across the bed with his right arm, making a gesture to push me away, as if this, THIS, and nothing else, is private in their lives. Or perhapse he was saying this is all they had left as a couple. Even so, the experience was hardly relational. Each of them was working soley for their own pleasure, taking what they could before the other decided they were done.

I walked out of the room and into the real world, a full two minutes ahead of my snooze alarm.

I am emotionally wasted. Choking on my own sour grapes and the agony of what I witnessed.

I hate this way that dreams affect me so personally.

I have no idea how “realistic” what I dreamed was. I think there was a lot of truth in it, from what he described on Sunday, but I think more over the whole thing was an amalgum of feelings I have myself. So few people I know really understand what relationships are about, what love, what marriage, are about. I have forgotten more over the last 5, 10 years about relationships than most of friends know currently. (understand, I know thats not really true, but it is how I feel at the moment).

I say that with a partial bias… most of the people I know (actively know) currently are from church. And a larger percentage of these folks understand the principles I am talking about. But there is still divorce, still hurting relationships in my church. The difference between the ones in the church and outside the church is hope, I think.

But this dream isn’t about Bible thumping. Its about me.

Since my junior high years I have been studying how to be the best mate. I had a dream of the beautiful 10 acre ranch home with the kids in the yard, and the choice of vehicles in the garage. A loving wife, diverse children who still know love and how to love. Or, maybe it was a home in the suburbs, with neighbors in whose garage I would stand on Saturday afternoon, sharing a beer and helping rub out the finish on a rebuilt Mustang. Or maybe it was on the wrong side of the tracks, and leaning on my porchrail in the late afternoon, standing sentry over mine and a neighbors’ kids as they smash a derilect BigWheel to pieces with glee, then chase each other around to the back, while my wife makes generic Macaroni & Cheese over a Sterno can, because we can’t afford to fix the range just yet.

And then I figured out — the places are not the main thing. The things of the vision are not the main thing. Its my wife and myself, our committment to each other, to God, and to our kids, that make the difference. That was the consistent element between all of those visions. So I let go of the pretense of trying to control the direction of my life, and instead sought the highest quality of life.

That was over a decade ago. Since then, my interest in having children has waned (again, because its not about the having, the possession, of children, but rather about the way children possess you. Thus I am content loving and nurturing other people’s children as the opportunity occasions) as has any preconceived notions about a residence.

But as I dreamed, I saw two people who essentially hate each other, having sex, and found I was somewhat jealous. I sit here and offer the best of BOTH worlds: sex and a satisfying marriage. *chuckling at the irony* Some would posit that all people are different, and what “satisfys one” won’t necessarily satisfy another. And I recognize the truth of the concept – all people are different, as am I. But what I am talking about are the true north principles of marriage and relationship, those truths that I understand and am committed to — the very things that every person who’s divorced a mate has said their marriage has lacked.

I’m all about that.

So, this entry is a bit of a pity party. I have been struck sideways by the personal pain of this dream. I question myself, “have I compromised too much in my refusal to compromise on quality”? And, I have compromised on quality. As I said, I’ve forgotten alot. I have let the world encroach, and my own standards for myself are not what they were (I think this is partly a good thing, but I still feel the loss). And so I pity myself, that in my dream, two people who hate each other are getting more out of their relationship than I am mine.

And then, there’s the question of: why did I have this dream? Why did I torture myself with this? What is my heart or mind trying to say?? Besides that I need to get laid.

My jealousy isn’t real. My relationships with my acquaintances are 10 times better than the one portrayed in my dream. And my hunger for sex is still overshadowed by my longing to rest blissfully in the arms of someone who loves me, who is committed to me, who will protect and cherish me – or my arms around her. Thus my pity fades as the catharsis of writing is spent. I pick up my feet, and continue to market myself passively – always looking, always longing. And recommitting myself to Whom I serve, and the Truth therein.

And I try not to look back.