My world just kinda quit. (pt 2)

T+00:10:00

You are such a dolt. You didn’t even tell her that you forgave her. You didn’t tell her anything. You have been wanting to reach out to her all this time, but you never had the words, and now she has reached out to you…and you are a dolt.

My friend has called me. I want to run out and slaughter the fattened calf and celebrate and feast and joy of joys my long lost friend has returned to my estate!! no, its not that simple. she made a phone call. there is no return yet. But I’m Happy!!..? no, you are in shock. I am a dolt. maybe, but you are still in shock

I don’t know what to feel. I feel like I have wronged her. I feel relief, I feel sadness for her sadness. For her being broken somehow – so broken as to call me! – and I don’t know what it is or how to help. I DONT KNOW HOW TO HELP MY FRIEND!!! I AM IN TERROR! I WANT TO HELP TO EASE HER PAIN TO DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I LOVE MY FRIEND AND DONT WANT TO SEE HER HURTING i cant even help myself

T+00:35:00

The church was vacant except for a Home Interiors meeting. My senior pastor, Pastor Ed, who has a degree in family counseling and whom I usually trust with such things, is not home.

After several detours I turned around and parked in front of Pastor Ray’s house. Pastor Ray is a surfer and musician and closet techno-junkie. He has a big heart and an easy mindset centered around the philosophy of “dude!”. He is our Worship pastor.

“DUDE!” I am greeted.

His wife is being rattled with the children in the kitchen who are supposed to be helping make dinner. I arrive just in time to prevent his son from receiving a firm dressing-down.

“So, dude, whats up?”, he sits on the stairs in the front room.

“After seven months…” I choke out, then just open my phone, and bring up the call log. He stands up and looks.

“No way! Really, she called? Did she leave a message?”

“Oh, no, we talked.” I speak like vapors.

“Oh, what happened? What did she say?”

I started bawling and somehow managed to get the words out, telling him what her message was, before I bury myself in his embrace.

“Dude! Thats great!!”

“I don’t know”, I cry.

“Well, I’m happy for your relief.”

Is that what it is? Is that what I’m feeling?

T+00:46:00

“And, thats just it. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know if I’m happy or… My world just kinda quit. There’s nothing. I don’t have any plans. I mean, I had plans for the evening and so on, and it all just doesn’t matter. Its all gone. Its like its been moved to some virtual level.”

“Dude, you gotta stay with your plans..”

“I don’t know if I can! I don’t know what they are!..” I interrupt.

“Dude. You gotta keep going. You’ve been cruising along stable here for the last several months, yeah?”

“Yeah, but I don’t feel unstable now, either. I mean, its not like I’m not going to go into work in the morning. Its just that it now has no meaning.”

“Right. You had your own stable life thing going, and now she’s called you and like a vacumn its all sucked up. Do I not make sense?”

“You probably do, but Im not sure I can grasp it,” I admit.

“Your stability has been to cover the hole that she left, and now that she’s called you, she’s popped that, and the vacumn is sucking it all away.”

T+00:58:00

I don’t know where he got that. But he is right.

I would never have figured that out. All this time, I figured I was normal. That I was healing, that I was moving on. But it turns out that NOW I am normal. That was all a strange front. A band-aid, a scab. And during that time, I did grow stronger. I am stronger.

But there’s been nothing to fill that hole. That hole in my side; the hole in my heart. And she’s popped that.

So after eating several baby carrots delivered regularly by his little girl (she is quite the hostess), and helping him bring in some firewood, I am on my way again.

I am sticking to the plan. I am going to get milk and groceries.

T+01:10:00

This all feels so wrong. My best-friend just called me for the first time in 7 months, and you are buying Oatmeal Breakfast bars! Dude, that just aint right. Thats just wrong, dawg.

But what else am I to do.

The way I am feeling, if I don’t keep moving..keep with the plan..I would just stop moving and stand there until they shut off the lights and pushed me out with a broom. And then I’d stand outside.

Its like going to a mortuary to tend to funeral arrangements, then coming home and doing dishes. Its like getting a cup of cocoa from the Salvation Army wagon while the fire department sifts thru the ash of your home for embers.

T+01:52:00

I made it home, changed clothes, and got dinner from McDonalds (funny, I’m not in the mood to cook). Then I came down here, and started to write this.

T+03:28:00

I am still a dolt. But nobody died and my apartment is still standing. And, I’ve largely returned to my senses. But I remain completely changed. As much as my life rocked when she first turned her back on me, now it has shifted again.

The senses I have come back to is this: I can rebuild. Again. Because the foundation I build on is Solid Rock. He remains faithful, even unto the end of the age. I am okay.

I don’t know what really has changed. I am relieved. This I now know. I can’t be more a part of her life than she will let me be, so I can’t blame myself if I can’t help her from where I am at.

I do still want her in my life. I want to be friends again, if possible. I will start over, or pick up from whereever, or do whatever I can. The worst part is over. Now I won’t be caught off guard.

I will write her. Tell her the gist! of what I wrote here. I will apologize for my being a dolt. I will write to her that I do forgive her, and let her know that when she is ready to hear me say it, she can call me again, and I will.

Some of you are going to write and say “you dolt! You should have yaddayaddayadda”, and I tell you now, you’re right. I should have. But there’s not much I can do about that now. Thank you for writing it, though. And this whole thing has serious spiritual implications (mostly good ones) that need to be explored. So I am going home now to pray. Thank you, Lord, thank you.