My world just kinda quit.

i had forgiven her so long ago that it never even occurred to me that she didn’t know that

T-00:13:00

The day had been full and had gone smoothly. I was just finishing up at work. Specifically, a little while before I had created some graphics for My Boss, who was down in The Studio putting together our Bond election video. I was lingering upstairs in my office in case the files were corrupt, wrong format, etc.

I filled my idle time with checking my Hotmail account and browsing some OD diaries. But, when my Boss came upstairs to his office, I assumed everything was okay, and shutdown to go home.

My cell-phone rang. It was a friend who recently started at a technology firm, and we had talked about his firm trying to get our Internet account. He was calling to give me his day’s rundown, and just to bull for a bit. I talked while I walked to my car.

T-00:08:00

I’m leaving the parking lot, and hastily putting together a plan for the evening. It was too late to go by the bank, so I needed to go to the grocery store and write a check for cash-over. It was a nice evening, still light out. I thought I might go to my apartment and clean for a bit while it was light, then go to my Other Office, and catch up on my OD from the weekend.

I had lots of great new rawhides to write about and chew on, and I am gnawing on several other journalists diaries, too.

T 00:00:00 Notification of Unusual Event

Its always nice when your cell phone rings. It means someone wants to talk to you. So as I pulled up to the stop light, I popped it from the holster.

i had never removed, never wanted to remove, her name from my id list

The display on my phone showed

FriendHOME calling

Without hesitation, I flipped open my phone and with happy contentment said our universal word: “Aack?”

“Aack aack..”

“Hi! Its good to hear from you. How are you..?”

[long pause] “well, I’m breathing! [slight chuckle]”

[chuckling in relief]”Well, thats a good thing!”

“ooh, I don’t know. I don’t know about anything anymore…”

[as I pull into a parking lot, and shut off the engine]”Awwh, whats wrong? Whats going on?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know why I called this number.” [long pause] “I just need to give you a really really really big apology…”

Crisis mode. I was already in it from the moment I answered the phone. I carefully parked my car in the nearest safe location, secured the engine… and secured my heart. I just didn’t know it until she started to tug on it.

My crisis mode is probably similar to others who have one. Some people don’t – they are non-modal during a crisis. They usually fly into little pieces. Sometimes, they percipitate more crisis. But, not me. At least, not like that.

In crisis mode, my emotions are completely isolated. I still have them, but they are cut off from my rational operating system. The rational operating system is ready to do whatever is necessary to secure lives and resources from the midst of crisies. It automatically looks for safe and secure areas, for others who can assist, and is ready to recognize and defer authority to anyone who shows a higher level of skill (usually professional). It can do whatever is necessary, and will drive me to almost die trying.

And it was completely useless at this moment. But I was definately in a crisis.

“I never meant to hurt you.”

“I really miss you.

And, I’m sorry.

And I think about you every day.

And there’s this giant hole in my heart…”

What I said in there, what I said for the whole conversation, was unimportant. No, I’m telling you. What I said was not important. It was without import. It was meaningless.

This is not a crisis that I was prepared for. It was happening too soon. It was happening at all. All this time, I kept up hope that we would be friends again. But I had never planned the event that she would call me. I never expected that to happen. This is not a crisis my crisis mode can help. This is not a rational operation.

I had forgiven her so long ago that it never even occurred to me that she didn’t know that.

tell her you love her. she needs to hear that. you need to say it, too. No, I cannot. I will not wield such powerful words when I have no clue what it will set off. I will not hazard those words in such a blind situation. tell her. she needs to know its still true. close the hole in her heart. No. The crisis is not secure!

“Well, I just wanted to say I’m sorry, and I miss you….. Goodbye…”

[gently] “For now…”

“Okay…”

T+00:05:00

Click.

Crisis manager: You need to find a safe & secure environment. You should not be alone right now.

Now, here HERE is a crisis my system could handle. I am the crisis. I am in crisis. I am in shock.

I ran through the list of people I trusted for this. The list was impossibly short, so I started through everyone. I could go back to work: its close, but Boss may not be there. I could go to parents: too far away. You will destruct before you get there. Area of Refuge I can go to church. Pastor Ed. Go.

I started up the car and started to drive. I saw everything. But my mind was a total blank. Nothing mattered at this moment. Nothing mattered ever again. All of my life: days, weeks, months, years, hours, minutes…my plans for the night, for the week, for my life… were Now.

Everything is Now. There is nothing else.