How to?

The other day, I was commenting to friends about how much I love to hover.

I mean the act of self-powered flight, like Superman and Neo. Both of them can fly, and I found it interesting that in the Matrix movies, even Neo would withdraw to the edge of our little planet’s atmospheric envelope and hover like Superman — listening and absorbing all that happens below him.

Then he dives to where he’s most needed, where he can make the most difference, of course.

I find that I walk alot now.

That’s sad.

My brain remembers, remembers the neural-motor connections. My memory remembers hovering, from not-so-many years ago. And my soul remembers, driving the craving to the surface from time to time.

But it seems no matter how relaxed I become (or try to become), no matter how silly I look as I coil my body and then hurl myself toward the sky… my feet stay planted. Except in the unfortunate case of my knocking myself over.

I don’t know why I’m writing about it except that I think much of my writing has disappeared with it. I found much of my inspiration from the grange point, and now not only do I not go there anymore, but I am unable to go.

I wonder, which came first?

I still look back too much. But looking back (irony intended), it never seemed to have bad results in the past. It was a healthy self-evaluation, even if it was not keeping my eye on the target. Now I feel I am lost looking over my shoulder, losing time as I count and sort my regrets, and forget about having a target in any case.

How has this come to happen?

And– is it truly a bad thing? Just because I don’t like it doesn’t make it wrong. Perhaps I’m in a better place, a better way. Maybe I’m more resilient. More rooted. Stronger as such.

Maybe I’m just rationalizing.

But THAT’s something I’ve always done, at least. There’s some comfort.

I find myself saying things like, “I don’t really care” to myself about issues, even people. I’m becoming hardened, alright, but I’m pretty certain this facet, at least, is not a positive one.

So the question is: how to reconnect?