Grain of sand

Niki is doing miraculously.

She is still in intensive care, but she is stable, and improving daily. She still has a long course of treatment ahead, but there is every reason and hope that she will be whole again.

I… am nominal.

It is lengthening days for me, and I am trickle-charging every day. At any given moment, I usually feel fine, so I act as though I am fine, and I take on too much. Then, shortly after, I feel drained, and realize I’ve depleted my daily reserve.

My life for the next several weeks will be one of balance: maintaining an even keel while still resuming more responsibilities.

It is, in a way, a time of reinventing myself. I often accomplish great feats of reinvention through this time. The seasonal depression drags me so low at the onset, that I have no defenses remaining. Once I start recharging, I can apply my efforts to change and renovation, to innovation, rather than reinforcing my defenses.

Thus, I am still vunlerable to certain attacks, certain anxieties, certain ill-will. But they are temporary.

On the other hand, in this time of reinvention, I keep recasting the mold. I find that a subtle secret sin in my life casts a discreet flaw into my casting. The self I seek to assemble just doesn’t seem to fit quite right – like a grain of sand in the joints of a Transformer toy. The robot resembles a truck, but the one side of the rig never fully closes properly, ruining the image both of robot and vehicle.

For myself, this doesn’t bother me, for the fantasy of robot or vehicle is simply vanity, and I have no one here whom I seek to please or impress. However, it distresses me greatly because it misses the mark which is the desire of my Father in Heaven. God’s will for me is visible, and my sin-flawed attempt is, well… flawed.

This has been gnawing on me for some time. I believe it is grace by which I avoid it, but recognize that in mercy and love it must be confronted. This grieves me for the pain I fear it will cause, but I am reassured by the truth that God seeks only the best for me and for everyone in my life, no, everyone in the world. And I trust that in submission to his Will, that His perfect Will, His wonderful goals, for me and the others will be realized. This pain then is not the pain of seperation, isolation, or loss. But the pain of growth, and the acceptance of the pain that my choices has caused – culminated into one point. But that also, is temporary.