Broken

Today has been tough. Its been good, but its been tough.

Its been a long day, so I have no physical stamina remaining. Its been full of social interaction, so I have no ego-strength remaining. It is winter, and grey, so I am full-on depressed. And I went to Communion tonight by-myself.

I just need a really good cry. But I have no one to share it with.

This morning was the musical at church. I got up way early (okay 6:30) to get dressed and down to my storage locker so I could get _Tyler_’s stuff out. He and his dad are moving _Ty_’s sister to Colorado this weekend. He’s taking what was left of his stuff back with him from storage. He also loaded up much of his sister’s stuff that I had been storing for just such a day.

I wonder if she understands and appreciates the fact that she got back much of the stuff that she just abandoned in irresponsibility a couple of years ago? That getting it back wasn’t an entitlement, but rather a gift – a gift that I salvaged any of it, and a gift that she gets it back. I hope she does. I hope she has an appropriate sense of humility and thanksgiving. Not for my sake, but for her own advancement.

Then I shuffled on to church by 8am, to warm-up review last minute changes to the musical. Its not quite a musical… our choir sang a selection of Christmas favorites of old and new. I’d have thought that we needed at least another week of practice – and truth be told, another week would have improved things even more – but, when in the end we sing simply to glorify God, and let our music be worship and praise… well, God responds and makes our noise joyful.

But, we did two services, and “mingled” in between times.

Then I left church in a hurry to the grocery store, to pick up fixins for a pasta salad I decided to take to the office Christmas party. I came home, and with an hour and a half til time to be there, I made a huge pot of shells, “browned” some green pepper and garlic, warmed up some bacon bits (real bacon, not the synthetic stuff) with that, and combined it all in a huge bowl with Bacon Ranch dressing.

Oh, and chunks of Canadian Cheddar cheese! For zing!

That, and I wrapped the gifts I got for Judy. (name drawing)

In the end, I was only 20 minutes late. They had just started to eat, so I filled my plate and passed around my bowl of pasta. A couple of others arrived after I did.

I was already starting to feel wiped – anti-social. Not enough energy outpouring. I was starting to deficit. Fortunately, I had some reserve built up from Saturday.

We finished eating and opened gifts. Angela drew my name, and gave me Movie passes and two boxes of movie candy – a simple but perfect gift.

My boss and his wife always “cheat” and get everyone at the office something – from them, I received some “camping accessories” *chuckling* Several Coleman-brand accessory items, including their biggest giggle: mosquito headnet (with built-in yamaka!).

There was also a silverware set, waterproof matches (4 pack). The “real” gift they gave was a mini-maglite (with belt-pouch). Way cool. Totally unexpected. And the whole thing was a good giggle.

Then, suddenly – everyone got up and left. I ended up being last because I was “unprepared” for leaving. I gave them part of the massive pasta salad. They gave me a portion of the rest of the left-overs. I toured their remodeled bathroom, and watched a wrapup of the Chief’s game.

By that point, I was at the end of my reserve.

Did I mention that I split my pants?

Good, because thats actually not quite true. I wore a hole in the crotch of another pair of slacks – this one my oldest, most favorite pair. I wore them to church and the party and was just careful to keep my legs closed. But as soon as I left the party, I drove to Kohl’s.

There, I shut the engine off and just snoozed in the parking lot. I was trying to build courage to go into the store. Then, my mom called from Texas where they are visiting my sister.

I was awake now, so I headed in and bought two pair. Nice pants. *g* But, they are also the largest waisted pairs I have ever purchased. Good incentive to reactivate my YW membership on Monday!

I put one pair on and wore them from the store. Duh, I paid for them! and I took the tags off at the car.

Shopping – spending money, participating in society in an oblique fashion – builds ego–strength. So since it was early before my appointed communiion time, I headed over to the adjacent Barnes & Noble’s and drank a Vanilla Mocha while surfing for a book for my brother. Found it. Linux Secrets.

Then I headed to church.

(cont’d)