A good friday

Well, if I’ve got to do it by myself – then its been a pretty good evening, and a not too shabby week.

This evening, I decided to reward myself for surviving a difficult week by treating myself to a big steak and a movie. By the time I rolled out of my house, got gas and cash, though, I didn’t want to wait for the next movies to start. So I rolled into Timberline, ordered the KC Strip at the bar, and watched a TNT movie with subtitles while I dined.

Then, I cruised back here to my auxilliary office, to enjoy a Zima while I kicked some Zerg and Protoss butt in StarCraft. Now, I am taking a break to write and listen to MP3s, like Alannis belting out “Thank U”, before I start back on the video project.

No, this isn’t my original plan. I had planned on being in College Town 30 minutes away with Tyler, celebrating his birthday earlier this week. But, we got mixed up on the dates, so he is still chillin with the homeboys in Major Metro Area.

Today, started badly – or at least with some challenge. Boss man be leaving next week for a communications conference in some other state, and he wanted to see final proofs of this project I’m working on before he left.

But, our IT department thought this week would be a good week to upgrade network software, and today in particular to tweak our distributed apps and attributes. So, this morning, I spent chasing around with NortonUtilities just to feel busy, while my machine wouldn’t otherwise run apps.

By afternoon, my machine stabilized, and I was able to put in some serious pat-me-on-the-back effort on a brochure for this fall’s annual service-kickoff. It was supposed to go to the printer on Monday, but since this computer problem, and since the printer hasn’t even contacted me about the job parameters yet, AND they are closed for the last half of the week…well, they can wait.

The artist formerly not known as Prince…he’s got a few really crankin tunes.

I spent the 4th in the company of friends who live by the lake where our city does its fireworks. We had a pot-luck sort of thing – grilled dogs and burgers (the bachelor guy brings Jello…*g*) – and played ping-pong and billiyards until dusk. Then we all loaded up and headed over to the dam.

It was nice to be thought of, to be invited to join them. They actually invited alot of us from my Bible Study group, even though our hosts are in a different small group, and age group! But again, that was cool. I knew everyone there, so I could completely chill out – which still took most of the evening.

One of Three was there, and brought her newish boyfriend. That made me a little edgy and tense. I don’t know him really well, and the primal person inside considers him a threat, and on my turf. *chuckling* Otherwise, he’s cool. *g*

After the “rallie big showe” we came back and lit off night-works in the driveway until the neighborhood traffic disipated enough for everyone to leave.

I was last. Hosts were chatty with me. Daughter actually wanted to drag me in and show me 100’s of pictures from a trip on her computer at 11:30 at night! (Dad of course, said “no”). Still, that was sweet. Its nice to be wanted. It was a good 4th.

But, going into the evening, as I gathered my Jello and CDs and shoes and socks… I really missed Trynity. I traditionally spent the 4th at their house. They spend several hundred dollars on nightworks, and put on a show for the neighbors in the backyard (okay, its a field that 4 houses share common sides on…)

Anyway, I would have been helping mow the field, and rake if needed, and putting up the tiki torches, setting up chairs, gathering the firing platform… then we’d eat, and then Yort would bring out the fireworks, and we’d all sit while he and his young daughter lit everything.

Then, in the later of the evening, Trynity and I would clean up the debris, then maybe go light a fire in the fire ring and just talk, or maybe just stare at the flames. Or, we might play cards on the coffee table while a classic monster movie played on behind me.

I write this and I look and say “why so wistful? You probably had a more fun evening the way it was!?” And, thats true. But still, I miss the total acceptance. I miss the solitary companionship. I miss…. I miss my buddy.

Later though, sitting on the dam, waiting for the show, watching the huge moon backlight small summer clouds – I looked at that moon, and thought of sharing it with someone else. Someone not here. Someone soon to be.

And…I don’t know what to make of that. I fear I am expecting too much, or that I am expecting unrealistically. I know that is partly true, because I don’t know her entirely too well yet. But, I am likewise hesitant to “slap myself down”. I am hesitant BECAUSE I can’t explain this..expectation.

Ah, yes – constantly self-questioning. Constantly introspecting. And balancing. The edge of the coin holds both sides together – there is a need for balance. It comes from me automatically, and at some price. Maybe I just need to trust that more.

Ah, another question that needs an answer….