9/16/05 II

>>> PARRA 9/16/2005 11:24 AM >>>

I have the Bike Club Regional ride which I am working Saturday morning through afternoon. Sunday morning I have church. Sunday evening I have small group. Tonight or Saturday afternoon/evening, I must mow. I have no other concrete plans.

>>> APRIL 9/16/2005 12:02 PM >>>

Is there a reason you commented only on the last paragraph?

>>> PARRA 9/16/2005 12:07 PM >>>

Yes, it was the only question you asked of me. *smiles*

>>> APRIL 9/16/2005 12:12 PM >>>

I didn’t know I had to put question marks after everything I wanted a response from.

>>> PARRA 9/16/2005 12:52 PM >>>

You don’t. But I also don’t feel compelled to try to answer things that aren’t necessarily questions of me. You have much unresolved things in your life. Unless you are asking me to “resolve my life” for you (which I didn’t get the impression you were), then there’s not much for me to say (especially things that haven’t already been said) except to listen and nod.

I am often a classic man who tries, regrettably, to fix everything in the lives of people I care about. But, I am also conscious of this, and resist it when I can. Furthermore, the fact that you have feelings about things is not something to fix. The fact that you hate that we don’t talk often anymore is an expression of feeling; a feeling I can appreciate – but its not up to me to fix your feelings. That, must always, be up to you.

Apparently, you did have specific questions you wanted me to answer, besides what I’m doing this weekend. I’m sorry I missed them. But you do need to ask them. I won’t guess my way through; its careless for me to do so, and inconsiderate to expect me to.

(I also do have a contingency plan to attend a Sandi Patti concert tonight at McCain. This is a recent development.)

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*after rereading and reconsidering*

That was guards up. This is guards down.

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What do you want me to say? Yes, your life sucks? Do you want me to reassure you that “no, your life doesn’t suck”? How honest is that? It doesn’t help anyone for you to pretend you don’t have problems. I won’t encourage that. Work through your problems, yes. Take a break from problems yes, but I’m not going to pretend your life isn’t what it is.

April, I don’t want less of your crying on my shoulder. I want more. I’m tired of being a beast of burden but not even getting a blip on your radar. I’m not helping you because I want anything in return. But I do have wants. I want you. But you don’t see that, don’t care, or don’t know what to do with it. Its not your problem – God knows you don’t need more problems. Its my problem, its my frustration, and I deal with it as best I can.

Actually, my frustration goes deeper. I don’t know if I really want you or not.

I like most everything about you; I’ve come to accept most of the things that I might not find attractive in you and accept them as part of you for better or worse. They’ve become part of your attraction. But you are extremely self-centered. Not selfish – I agree, when you give, you give generously. But self-focused. Self-absorbed. Self-motivated. Honestly, I don’t think you have what it takes to remain sufficiently focused on me to make your part of a deeper relationship with me work. I am skeptical of that.

Moreover, its not just about you focusing on me. I think globally, act locally. I actually consider my position in traffic and how it affects the other drivers around me. I pick up trash on the sidewalk, because we all share this planet. I go to concerts by performers I don’t really care for, because I appreciate the interests and the person I am attending with; I live Voltare, “I disagree with your opinion, but I’ll fight to the death for your right to express it”.

[thank you, whichever diary that was recently quoted on, to remind me of its importance]

I just don’t see these ideas crossing your countenance very often.

I can’t even tell you “I’m tired,” without your saying “I’m tired too,” and launching into a 10 minute elaboration of the choices you made to make yourself tired in the first place.

That’s an unattractive quality to me. I respect your right to have that quality, and will defend that right to death. But it frustrates me because it puts me torn in the middle of myself. Yes or no? April or not April?

I haven’t made up my mind yet. So, until I do, there’s really no point in bothering you with it. Actually, I could have/would have shared this dilemma of mine sooner, except I’m so afraid you will take this sharing and turn it around and make it all about you. I still am, but like I said, this is guards down. So now you know why I haven’t shared what’s been bothering me.

You have plenty of other things to concern you.

[Any questions perceived are rhetorical. I’m not expecting any response.]