What I Did on my Summer Vacation
First, let me clear up a few things.
I have not gone “favorites-only.” Nor have I made my diary visible to OD Plus members only. The front door is just as wide open as it always has been. I just haven’t been writing.
For a while there was concern that I was being read by outside forces. Then, I just plain got lazy. And now, like M.C. Hammer or Debbie Gibson, I’m here to try to recapture the magic. Again. Open Diary is the girl I’ve dated off and on for six years now. And once again, I’m trying to recapture the magic. Giving her another go.
I sit down at the keyboard and am ready to pour my heart and soul out to you guys, but it all seems so… rehashed. There are only so many angles to “A single guy walks into a bar…”
But then again, it’s really all I’ve known. So I might as well give you the show.
This past summer has seen a lot of short-term relationships (some REALLY short term). Some were really good women. Some were really… yeah. But none of them had that true long-term potential. Just a lot of “okay, I’m ready to do this dating thing,” followed by “I have no business dating anyone.” The “happy” medium I’ve achieved has left me feeling empty, dirty, and disheartened. After one particularly rambunctious weekend, I remember saying to Mark, “Man, I need the Lord in my life.” I was only half-joking.
We’re shifting into the fall, and fall has always been a favorite time of year for me. But in recent years, it’s brought back painful, painful memories. That’s right, kids. As much as I hate to admit it to all of you, Big Daddy is having a hard time moving on. The dreams come and go, and the sadness (while typically brief) hangs heavy. I’m tired. Not “Hunter S. Thompson ‘Football season is over’” tired, but more like “Merle Haggard ‘Stop the world and let me off’” tired.
Please don’t take the following paragraph as a plea for note sympathy:
I feel like the last bus has come and gone, and I am still far from my destination. I feel like the batter who stood too long at the plate, and watch his perfect pitch sail by. I feel like the 50th thirsty person to enter “The Room of 49 Water Glasses.” As if Lady Opportunity has passed me by, and only her faint perfume lingers in the air.
Logic reminds me that I’m being overly-dramatic. That things will improve, and I will eventually find myself in a better place. But the fact of the matter is that I need a little nudge in the right direction. Am I handling things the right way? Should I let the sadness wash over me from time to time (as I’m apt to do)? Should I bury the feelings down deep? Am I at a typical post-breakup stage? Isn’t it about time I get over it?
So, I’ve decided to see a shrink. I got a few recommendations, and am going to bite the bullet. We’re not talking a complete mental re-wiring here. Just looking for someone who can give me some pointers. I’m humbly pulling over to the next gas station, walking in, admitting that I’m lost, and asking for some fucking directions.
I know it sounds all doom-and-gloom. Like I’ve been on a True Hollywood Stories binge. It ain’t that bad. I’m in a good job, and I’m in good health. My scandalous ways are relegated to the weekend. I’m still putting in a lot of time with the family, and have performed some much-needed work on the house. I am still the eternal optimist.
Hopefully, this return to OD will last a little longer. I’ve got (yet another) wedding this weekend. My pal Leslie. I’m hoping that’ll get the entry-momentum going.
Catch you later.
I’m so glad you have written! I will be reading.
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Methinks perhaps you’ll meet someone at the wedding. How’s that for positive thinking. 🙂
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You sound like someone on the cusp of something new. Not quite in the newness yet, but close.
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well what do you fucking know. that’s what i said to myself when i saw your name in bold. darling, please get out of the bars. that’s no way to meet a lady. hope you get a good shrink. man, do i love me a good shrink.
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By the way, I’m glad to see your name in bold again. I’m sorry it’s not all giddy-happy stuff, but… hey, that’s life, isn’t it? Hugs
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I think a shrink is a much better way to handle it than the hours I spent on tarot.com. It took me two years to ‘get over it’ last time and to be honest I don’t know if I really have. As much as it’s possible, I know how you feel P. I am, however, thrilled to have you back here. I’ve missed you more than I can say.
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Finally! A man who pulls over and asks for directions! Good for you.
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I am so glad you are back… I always look forward to your entries and especially to see the notes you leave others.
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It’s about time. I was the bar girl for a while, and I’ll tell you what, they’re not there to find their husband. No wonder you’re in a dead-end. Clearly, since you seem to side with my boyfriend’s thoughts and feelings, and you two are about the same age, maybe you need a younger old girl like me.
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Way to take your own advice there darling. Good for you. And whatever, you just like to have like a frillion notes per entry. I’m not fooled! Be well,
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Oh honey. I feel your pain–you know I do. Is this why we never see each other anymore? RYN: you are cordially invited to my party. Um…remember the last party? I SENT you a HANDMADE invitation via US Mail. You never showed!!!
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I was so thrilled to see your name bolded on my update list! Good to hear from you. 🙂 Seeing a shrink can be a good thing (yes, I’ve done it, more than once), but only if you get the right one. Make sure you have a rapport. If you don’t hit it off, move on to the next one.
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I’m glad to see that you’re back… 🙂
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I love your description of deciding to see a shrink. So apt.
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Perhaps you can try to catch the bouquet? Welcome back, as*hole. About fu¢king time wrote an entry.
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PLease stay.
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sometimes you just need a professional accountant when you have neglected your taxes for 5 or six years.
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I’ve missed you terrible! Come back to us soon to stay.
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Yeah yeah yeah. I give you two…..three entries TOPS before you sink to the bottom of the Update files. (But then, I’m just a shit disturber, so what do I know?)
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good to see ya back. although i don’t write much anymore either, i do read… so keep updating! going to homecoming? –
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Nice whine!
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I knew you weren’t gone… you’ve been harassing my ass for months.
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Come to my place…it’s way better here! 🙂 I’ve missed you.
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I’m also glad that you finally wrote! Hope it lasts awhile.
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Me? I’m in line for the full rewiring overhaul my mutherfuckin’ ass make me sane again make over. But, damn, it IS good to know you are alive. And yes, I KNOW, it only takes a text, but it’s a hide thing. Or should that be a Hyde thing? Alas. Share that shrink wisdom, I can’t afford co-pays right now.
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I love the weekly shrink. It’s such a massage for the brain.
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Welcome back, dude. There is nothing wrong with letting sadness wash over you every once in a while. Glad you are taking active steps to make your existence a happier one.
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I’ve read on and off for ages. You are the reason I think of “Wolfpacks” when I see a group of men in a club or bar:) You know Parliament, many would say that you are just now coming into your prime. While I can certainly relate to your “dramatic” paragraph (afterall, I have perfectly good ovaries going to waste!)most think a thirty-two y-o man is still a spring chicken.
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When I lost a job of 15 years I felt lost and severely depressed. I went to see a shrink, but I rationalized it by saying I was seeing a “career counselor!” Best wishes, sweetie. Glad to see your writing again.
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hang in there bud
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You’ll get no sympathy from this quarter until you’re forty, mister. Hee.
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*stumbling out of the lurker closet* There are few among us who couldn’t use a little mental floss. Welcome to the gas station.
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!!! I’m glad you’re back!! 🙂
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Wow! You’re alive!
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This is bloody weird. You writing here. :: blinking rapidly ::
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Actually, if you recognize that you need to talk to someone, a professional, about all this then you may be much better off than you think, because admitting that you need assistance is the toughest part. Eric
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I am glad to see a favorite read has come back to write again. I don’t think that is a bad thing to see a therapist, we all need some help sometime. Life is not a bowl full of cherries. I don’t think it is good to suppress your feelings for too long, it just begins to fester. hugs. Aim
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hey now!
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I would recommend you to my therapist but the drive is too far.
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