PCOS can SUCK IT!

PCOS is my worse nightmare. I do not wish this on anyone. Today is the day I found out I wasn’t pregnant. I bawled my eyes out trying my best to hide it from my daughter. I keep asking myself how much more can I continue to do this? Month after month, test after test, bloodwork, ultrasounds, at home testing etc. just to keep getting my hopes up for nothing. I am exhausted physically but more so mentally. When I had my daughter four years ago I truly believed I had postpartum but the hospital staff told me it was just “baby blues.” I didn’t want to hold my daughter after coming back into the room after my C-Section. Honestly, I was terrified. After doing skin to skin and some time had past, I was less terrified but my emotions were all over the place. We have two dogs so my husband slept at home instead of at the hospital. Please don’t judge or come for him it was a mutual decision. We put our daughter in the nursery over night so I can try to get some sleep but all I did was cry. I called my husband around midnight crying because I missed him, our daughter, our dogs and I just felt so alone. The nurses when they would come in to check my vitals would just rub my arm and leave it at that. Maybe if I would of spoke up then I might of gotten a proper diagnosis but I guess again I was afraid. Before I was allowed to leave they did end up prescribing me Zoloft that I currently still on and have since been increased because of my infertility struggles and COVID didn’t help.  Sorry for getting off track but I thought my past mental health might help people understand me. Who am I kidding no one is going to read this lol. Anyway back to the whole point of this entry PCOS. When is enough enough? Do I keep going on this journey because I want another baby not because I always dreamed of having two kids but most importantly for my daughter whose been asking for a baby for a while now. I hate to let her down and I understand she is just a kid but it breaks my heart when she asks how much longer her baby sister to get here. I won’t keep dragging this out. I just wanted to write something and get all of my thoughts and emotions out in hopes it’ll ease my pain. It’s very difficult to always be the person who has to smile, be happy all the time, support others and still feel you have no one to talk to. I always try to help my friends and family with their problems. Don’t get me wrong, my family, husband and friends are here for me and try to help but they will never truly understand how this feels.  Questioning what is wrong with me or what I did so bad in life that I deserve this just ways on me more each day. If anyone reads this at all or even until the end I truly appreciate it. I just wanted to get my thoughts out and this was the easiest way I could think of. If it helps someone else who could be going through this just know I am here for you I understand you. If you are reading this and luckily do not have the same problems as me but could be going through your own battles and demons just know I may not understand but I am here for you. Goodnight