without further adieu

So… I wrote a poem, right? (Sorry, forgot about that whole “I’ll post it on Valentine’s Day” thing…) And I even like some parts of it, but other parts make me go “meh” and crumple up paper. So if someone wants to take a look at this and let me know what doesn’t seem to flow correctly, that would be lovely.

The poem:

i.
& with the usual people, it’s the usual places: the
pink exclamation points at the tip of a breast; soft skin between legs
parted like lips; under layers of silk & lace,
slowly removed.

ii.
internal, intimate preferences
hands mapping hipbones, palms cupping curves, fingers reading
the future in the crease behind my right knee.
external, lessons learned
of tongue & teeth, bruised lips lingering on aching jaws,
digits tangled in curls, and hands wrapped around.
silk skins & silk strings; wrists rubbed raw, ends frayed.

iii.
metal with buttons pushed and switches flicked,
off to on.
machines of flesh, mutable & constant, fluid & unyielding.

iv.
bodies allineated, piece by piece; movements
less love and more the beats of a song.

v.
clothed in sticky sheets, tangled limbs and long
hair, we exhale smoke into the wind.

I hate iii. With a blinding, burning passion. The wayback rough version of this was “we are not machine with buttons to push & switches to flick to turn us on.” I like that much better, but it doesn’t fit in with the rest of the poem.

I’m okay with i. I could even let ii. stay the way it is, assuming the rest of the poem doesn’t suck. I enjoy iv., but it reminds me of something, so I probably plagiarized the best parts from a memory of a poem that has already been written. The final section is fine, but I can’t help but feel like exhaling smoke into the wind is… cliché. At best.

Constructive criticism (or adulation) welcomed.

((brilliant))

February 21, 2006

i think it’s beautiful. no hatred here. 😉

ImperfectlyBeautiful

I personally like this poem, a lot… yeah definatly a lot. xoxo jezsyka

I capture the castle

i adore iv. and v. and you too, of coursexo

i like it. ryn; i’m already destroyed.

Yea, not a complaint here, either. I really enjoy it. P.S. This picture makes me laugh a lot..I used to have a friend that licked cheeks to show affection for people. haha Is this you? Can’t say I know what you look like. Hope things are well on the west coast 🙂 xoxoxx

eucatastrophe.

i’m not good with constructive criticism. the only thing i think about iii is maybe we’re “treated like machines, buttons pushed and switches flicked,” because we aren’t machines (mentally emotionally physically) but some people respond to it if they’re treated like it.or maybe i’m just crazy.other than that (and that only because you asked)…the piece is beautiful. truly.laura

A.ll o.ut of l.ove

February 22, 2006

i personally adore it. though perhaps i am biased because i am jealous of everything that you write. i think your are simply amazing did i mention that im back for good this time?

I dont think you understand my point. Its ok to get offended when someone makes fun of you or yoru religion or race, its not ok to kill for it though.

lisyl

February 24, 2006

What about changing the order of iii, something like “machines of flesh, mutable & constant, fluid & unyielding with just so buttons pushed….”

I think you are still misreading. In none of those statements did I say it was silly to get offended, but its silly to walk on egg shells for fear of offending. The beauty of freedom of expression is the freedom t obe offended, on the other hand, saying what you please is another of the beauties. (P.s. thanks for the good luck, im gonna need it)

Yeah, I think I read that article on MSNBC. I remember reading quite a few. In any case, i think the abortion would be best tackled as prevention, and education. Most people I know learned about sex from their friends, and some of those myths cause unwanted pregnancies. None of my friends had abortions, but thats not the issue. In any case, thanks for being reasonable.

The abortion issue is a touchy one that people rarely agree on. I cant stand people that do what Trinity_13 did, by being condescending. Which is why I can respect your opinions. I just thought id add that, because rarely do I meet anyone that can voice their opinion and not criticize anothers.

you as well

El Mauricio

February 26, 2006

the poem is sexy!and thanx for your noteyou’re one of my fav diaristsso I like hearing from you