Wavering

Recently, I have been re-evaluating who I am, the qualities that I attribute to the ever evasive entity known as self. While I have always considered myself paradoxical…I find this to be more and more so. I’m fighting myself, what I believe to be my human nature, in an effort to be the person I want to be. But there is part of me, I think, that wants to be someone else, or at least to realize a part of myself. This is all so vague.

To be more specific, let’s delve into the realm of romance and passion. I think I have become plagued by the emotional mindset that besieges the "typical guy." I have always prided myself on my loyalty and ability to maintain attraction for one person indefinitely. Yet, I am wavering in my current relationship.

Part of this wavering is due to a feeling of life passing me by. Thoughts of encroaching old age and fading of beauty haunt me as I question whether or not I am truly ready to commit to a relationship for the rest of my life. A part of me that has never been that strong before has surged to the surface and demanded acknowledgment. And now, I’m torn between the life I have now and one of….hedonism. Not in the horrible slutty way that probably comes to mind with that word, but in a sensuous, semi-innocent way.

I see beauty and can not reign in this desire to embrace it. I yearn to taste the small bursts of passion, never completely physical for me because the physical seems to be always attached to the person behind the mask, but much of it is very physical.

I guess I’m craving those first butterfly-ridden periods of lust that characterize the beginning of a relationship. The glossy stare of another’s eyes as they fight to tear away from the curve of the lip, the dusky blackness of lashes, the expressive brows, the smooth cheek. As shallow as it is, I crave that physical admiration. I hate it, because that is not who I want to be, yet by struggling with it so, it obviously IS a part of who I am.

mess up it

April 18, 2010

I think that’s just your human nature showing through. I can see how it would worry you. I have many moments like that too, but in the end it’s the way you resist (or give-in) that you will be measured. I think the strength of a relationship is determined by promises. Keeping them (or being seen to) strengthens, breaking them weakens. But spoken or otherwise, promises seem to move it along.

But I’d like to think butterflies can live for a very, very long time, and they aren’t always destined die as early as you suggest. I’ve had butterflies for a woman for a bit over 2 years now, and though there are other complicated factors at work that may see this eventually disintegrate, it’s the promises I’ve made to her that leave me unable to run away (like I probably should).

What is it with the more intelligent humans that try to think we are completely separate from other animals as opposed to just a higher thinking subset? When we deny ourselves our animal instincts, we only make them more pronounced and more powerful… Pleasure for pleasure’s sake; how far do you want to take it?