To Be a Fireball Made Flesh
I wish there was a way to eliminate "wanting what you can’t have" without ruining the drive to achieve, to improve. That’s really the only use I can find for it; it makes you dissatisfied with life, unhappy with what you have, but it also compels you to strive for something better.
Sometimes, I hate biology, with all its myriad fascinations and infuriating, common sense logic.
And I hate the media – tv and movies, music and even books sometimes because those only fuel the fire. Inaccurate representations of reality, playing off of pseudo-truths and creating fairytale-esque perversions of inner desires and dreams, saying "this CAN happen" even though you know it can’t.
I remember my senior year when the guy i had a crush on finally called me and asked me out. As soon as I got off the phone, I shrieked and jumped and ran through the house, reveling in the adrenaline and feeling more like a fireball made flesh than a mere human.
I loved that emotion and, looking back, I see how muted it was in comparison to what COULD be. The guy in question was actually far below my standards. He wasn’t particularly smart or talented, not romantic, too easily influenced by his peers and not even very attractive physically. Most of the excitement was from being asked out at all. The crush itself stemmed from the attention he had given me and teenage hormones.
Lots of people find satisfying love and live (relatively) happily ever after. Very few do so on the ultimate level, where both parties are uncommonly intelligent, breath-takingly attractive, possessing unfailing loyalty and the freedom (financially, socially etc..) to pursue the passion, to take it to the utmost pinnacle that exists in this life.
I would like to have that, even if I could not keep it. I think the mere experience of it would sustain me for a lifetime. And as much as it would hurt to look back on it when it’s gone, it would be worth it just to have had it at all.
Being the pessimist I am, I almost find that idea laughable, but only because very few have ever reciprocated my feelings. I’m tre ugly..so theres one down, I’m smart but no ****in genius..there goes that..Garsh, all I’ve got is my unfailing loyalty etc. I wonder if I can find that sort of love by only posessing one of the dozen or so qualities it takes. *tips hat* ma’am..
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This entry makes me reflect on better days. And yea, I feel like the media is trying to set people up with unrealistic expectations sometimes. I saw on your OD front page the clipped picture of Raistlin and Crysania from Dragonlance Time of the Twins… Greatest trilogy ever. I have it hard-cover autographed by Margaret Weiss. You’re awesome. =)
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Heh. Skimming your entries I see DL references! You’re a DL fan. I love it I love it I love it. =) It’s always good to find another DL fan. =)
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ryn: A year or two of drug free? Wowsers..far better than I’d fare..thats a scary thought, not just being sober for that long, but if my ‘smarts'(et al) started coming back.
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I used to fantasize about that, but I know I couldn’t handle it.
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RYN: Oooo… how’d you get the custom made notebook with your custom picture on it? I want something like that.
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I think these things sometimes. I’m living it, actually. For me, all the benefits of self-improvement outweigh the depressing reality that I will probably never have all that I truly want. And in fact I feel that what I have received so far is more than I’ve dreamed or even deserve, so love, at least in my case, is bitter-sweet, but ultimately perfect somehow.
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breath-takingly attractive isn’t all that necessary if they have the other things. Just attractive is enough; their possessing the other things make them breath-takingly attractive. ;p At least that’s how i am. Intelligent women are way more attractive to my eye than the stupid ones, even if my first instinct is mad-attraction at first for the dumb ones.
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Yeah, I understand. I dream about that sort of person. She started out looking/being you, but has since changed a good bit. A little physically, but FEELS different somehow. I actually dreamed about her last night. Was an exellent feeling. But of course, I always question whether or not I could sustain a relationship like that. And then I wonder if I really deserve someone so exellent.
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Even down to being interested enough into going on crazy nerd-like escapades with me…at one point in the dream I was watching her play in a weird warhammer tournament that (somehow?) used magic cards too. And then later I had an idea of making a fridge and how easy it would be to make a specialized super-good one and I showed her my idea and she was incredulous but willing to help after she…
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…saw the coolness I was trying to get at. I mean who DOES that? What girl is actually interested in making a fridge for a ridiculous idea of it being portable and able to carry a cannister of some sort, among other things? I dunno. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t feel I deserved it anyway…and that such a person would have to trick me into a relationship because I wouldn’t feel I was good enough…
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…for her. I’d think she deserved better than me. And that’s really not me to think like that, you know? Confidence is something I’m usually really good at. I know I’m really capable, girls tell me I’m attractive too (though I don’t see it personally), I know I’m capable and I’m really GOOD at being open and always being on your side and talk and taking care of you when you need it and letting…
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…you be free to do your own thing when you want that too (Heh, kate really taught me that one into me with all her independence). I mean, I think I’m a good boyfriend, perhaps more demanding of time than most, but still good. *shakes head* I still don’t think that’s enough though.
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I just have too many problems too. Hum…I sometimes think I’m never going to be happy. And by sometimes I mean almost all the time now. I’ve been thinking bout such things a good bit lately. All this *swishes hand at everything* is pointless for me in that sense. I spend most of my time trying to help people now. It’s something, but it isn’t enough.
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Fact: You don’t seem like a bitch to me ;p Fact #2: I don’t think I fall into either group. I pressure, but not in a douchebag kinda way IMO. I like to challenge people (girls I like especially). A lot actually. Like. A lot a lot. I need to be around people who can handle competition and more importantly beat me sometimes. I get egotistical if i’m not put into my place xD.
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so I often find that I push and shove people (almost everyone) I newly meet for a while til a balance is struck. It’s kinda like…my way of feeling someone out. I challenge the things they think, challenge their skills at various actitivities and debate various topics. Some people say I’m too confrontational, and I probably am for them, but it’s important to me to be that way.
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I mean, it’s not because i’m malicious (I almost never care enough to actually be mean…ever. And when I do I usually suppress it) or insecure (lord knows I’m wayyy overconfidant sometimes) it’s just how I do things. Many people, most probably, actually decide I’m not worth dealing with because of that, but the ones that stick stick for a long time, and tight. And I think that’s awesome.
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It’s much better than your 1 and 2, to be sure. ;p And hell, if a person doesn’t enjoy a little struggle they will A. not be fun when it comes to friendly competition (I play to win!) and B. are boring sexually (at least as far as I’ve seen). God I love parenthesis. Perhaps you have noticed this.
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I also like note spam.
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spam
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spam
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Because the # of one’s notes is directly correlative to one’s being awesome and/or loved. True Fact.
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You sound like me talking 😛 Seriously. You really do. Hum. It’s eerie. You might be my female counterpart. o_o; I always thought that if I met me, or someone like me, that I would RATHER dislike them, as I passively dislike myself now. It’s odd. Dunno what to think of you.
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Also…I think you and I should have a confrontation about something and some issue. I wouldn’t be cowed and I’d fight you! MY LOGICKZ ARE VASTLY SUPERIOR ! Gosh!
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I don’t think lots of people have “that” — satisfying love, that is. The older I get (and I’m pretty old now) the more I realize how unhappy with everything the majority of people are. I don’t wish I could have the pinnacle you’re talking about and then lose it. I think that would be horrible. I think it would be hell to look back and long for what you used to have. But each to their own.
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